Barney Miller Season 2 quotes

Chano

Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.

Wojo

You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?

Barney

Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Chano

Maybe.

Fish

Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. All kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?

Absolutely.

Fish

I'm just curious. What's it like?

It's heaven.

Fish

So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?

Philadelphia.

Wojo

Barn. I got a confession to make.

Barney

What's that?

Wojo

I got sick on the plane.

Barney

Oh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.

Wojo

What little bags?

[on the $3,500 he found] Obviously, someone lost it, so I'd like to turn it in.

Fish

Anybody see you pick it up?

I don't think so.

Harris

Does anybody else know you found this money?

No.

Fish

[looking in packet] There's nothing else in here. No identification. No name.

I realize that.

Harris

You know, Mr. Woolen, if you ever decide to run for President, you've got my vote.

[complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?

Chano

Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.

Stick 'em up.

Chano

See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." [He takes his belongings back.] But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday, si Dios quiere, your junk will be safe! In the meantime, get out of here.

I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.

Chano

Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!

I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.

Barney

Not in a laundromat.

Fish

Or with the lights on.

You know, you remind me of my first husband.

Fish

Oh really?

He's dead now, but you look like him when he was alive too.

Chano

I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.

Fish

You've learned nothing from knowing me.

Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.

Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.

You know Nathan, it seems to me that you got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner. Especially when dealing with the public, most of whom are freaks any way.

Yemana

My grandfather used to say to me "The anticipation of one's dreams is greater than the realization of one's ambitions. Unless one blows it altogether."

My husband is no longer with us.

Fish

I'm sorry.

I think I saw him on 14th Street one day. But I am not sure.

Fish

He just left you?

Yes.

Fish

Just got up one day and walked away?

Yes.

Fish

And it worked?

Chano

Can I help you?

That's a very generous offer. Because sometimes it moves too fast to make friends.

Chano

What moves too fast?

The escalator of life. On its way to that biggest of all: Mezzanine.

Chano

That's a very profound thought. You must be a philosopher.

No, I'm a bum.

Yemana

Wojo and Harris chased the guy down into the sewer.

Barney

The sewer?!

Fish

[about to go into the bathroom] I'd better wait. I may be obstructing justice.