Barney Miller Season 2 quotes

You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.

Fish

That's because we're both dead.

Barney

How do you feel?

Fish

Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.

Barney

You'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.

Fish

I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Wojo

I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.

Chano

Yeah, that's it.

Wojo

There's eighteen now.

Chano

What?

Barney

Eighteen? You sure?

Wojo

I just counted it.

Barney

Count it again.

Chano

You must have made a mistake, Wojo.

Wojo

I didn't make a mistake.

Yemana

Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.

Barney

This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism—it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.

Fish

You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.

Barney

Detective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?

Wojo

Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?

Barney

I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.

Barney

[after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...

Harris

Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.

Fish

You're just the first person to put it into screams.

Fish

No, ma'am. I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks. Would you leave a nice soft bed to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?

Fish

Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.

Chano

I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.

Yemana

It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.

However, I want you two ladies to know that I got nothing against ya. Which is why, at one time, I almost married one of your kind.

Fish

Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds—any suggestions?

Yemana

You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?

Fish

What?

Yemana

Sex.

Fish

Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?

Wojo

You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]

Yemana

So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Wojo

What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish

Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana

That's the way it is now.

[taking the arrest complaint to the man who picked his pocket] Read this for me, wilya? I can't see without my glasses.

It's your standard felony complaint 155-34. It ought to get me about 1 to 5. With good behavior I should back on the streets in '77. A little more resentful towards society. With a little less faith in the capacity of human beings to forgive.

Hey, wait a minute. I didn't steal your wallet. You stole mine.

Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..

The Lord gots nothing to do with this. The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.

You got a chance here to teach a person a great moral lesson. You know what? Get lost.

Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.

Harris

Pianist?

Chano

Pickpocket.