You would not believe this. These are Joan's nanny requirements.
[reading off paper] Great parental instincts, infant CPR certificate, clean driving record, stable family background, advanced college degree or experience as a pediatric nurse.
Claudia JoyIs that all?
She calls me every hour with another addition.
So Mary Poppins need not apply?
[...]
How's the mom thing going?
It's like she and Joan have this secret club. They look at me, then they look at each other and then they laugh.
[Roxy and Claudia Joy exchange glances and they, Pamela and Denise start laughing]
[awkwardly] Right, it's kinda like that.
[A clearly sleep-deprived Roland answers the door]
Claudia Joy
Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you
No, not at all. Come on in.
Claudia Joy
I keep forgetting to drop these photographs off. I took them at the baby shower. [hands photo album to Roland]
Claudia Joy
They're the old-fashioned kind. On film.
[Roland looks at photo album listlessly]
Claudia Joy
[waves at his face] Anybody in there?
[snaps out his daydream] Ah, I'm not sure. You want some coffee?
[Roland shuffles past her into the kitchen. Claudia Joy notices baby spit on the back of his shirt.]
Claudia Joy
Woah, you've got something baby-related on your shirt. [grabs a towel and wipes the spit off Roland's shirt]
Claudia Joy
How is my godchild?
[still in a stance] Asleep. Finally.
Claudia Joy
So Mr. Mom is getting to you already?
[At the Holdens' residence]
Claudia Joy
Where are you going?
No idea. Some place special, Frank said. He wants to continue our conversation from last night.
Claudia Joy
What happened last night?
I told him he was "old-fashioned".
Yeah. I meant it as a compliment.
Claudia Joy
[cringes] Errr, no man likes to be called "old"-anything.
Men are such babies. He'll get over it. Just ask him to open a jar or something.
[...]
[Frank drives up in his new Harley. The ladies stare at him in bewilderment.]
[takes off his helmet] Afternoon, ladies.
Hey, baby. Wanna go for a ride?
[Pamela, Claudia Joy and Roxy all look at Denise]
You bet! [walks to Frank and gets on his bike]
[Pamela, Claudia Joy and Roxy look on in amazement and are speechless]
Claudia Joy
Michael, I am so sorry but what could we do? She's a nut!
Yeah. Faulty intell. I thought she was just a doddering old lady. Turns out she's the merry widow.
Claudia Joy
She needs armed escort, not us.
Just get her to that ceremony tomorrow and she'll be out of our hairs. [turns to walk back to his office]
Claudia Joy
[glumly] Easy for you to say.
[smiles] That's why I'm the general.
He seems fine...but how do you know?
Claudia Joy
I can't imagine losing a friend during deployment. Michael says it's something you never get over.
It's hard enough watching your husband go through it. It's harder watching your son.
Claudia Joy
I don't know how they do it.
Me neither. One day you're in a combat zone. The next day you're having burgers in your own backyard.
GLGeneral Ludwig
Well, Lenny should be here any minute.
Claudia Joy
We're delighted your wife could join us.
LLudwig
After my wife died I was sure I'd never get married again. I mean, who'd want to marry an old warhorse?
You suffered a service, General.
LLudwig
Then along came Lenny. Vibrant, beautiful. She understands what Army life is about.
Claudia Joy
How'd you meet her?
LLudwig
Six months ago in DC at a fundraiser. She loves helping other people.
Claudia Joy
She sounds wonderful
LLudwig
I think you're gonna like her. There she is. [calls out] Honey, over here!
[Camera shot reveals Lenore walking towards them]
DCDenise & Claudia Joy
[in shock] Lenore???
LLenore
Hello, dears. Small world, isn't it?
[Denise and Claudia Joy are speechless]
[Pamela, Roland Roxy are watching from a distance]
Lenore Baker??? Tell me I'm dreaming.
Yeah. You're havin' a nightmare! What is she doing here?
Well, from the looks of it, she is General Ludwig's new wife.
[in disbelief] How did she get her hooks in a four-star??
Oh, she must be a dynamo in the sack.
What, come on, what else could it be?
Aw come on now, let's be fair. Lenore was a very supportive wife to General Baker.
Let's not be fair. She's a heartbeat-wannabe muzzled.
Yeah, and don't forget, she accused Claudia Joy of murder.
And spread a rumor that Michael was a racist.
And she didn't have very nice things to say about us either.
I'm not saying the woman's perfect.
[Pamela glares at him]
[Watching Lenore Baker pose around for photographs]
Some things never change.
She's changed all right. Now that she bagged General Bigshot, she's ten times worse.
Claudia Joy
Forget Lenore. We've got work to do.
Meanwhile, my business is in the toilet, my bills are getting bigger, I've got the baby and now––
Claudia Joy
[interrupts Roxy] Woah. Baby? You're pregnant?
[realizes that she slipped her secret] Ohhh. [smiles] Yeah. I am.
Claudia Joy
Oh Roxy, come here. [gets up and hugs Roxy]
[Michael is at the officers' club having a drink. Unknown to him Claudia Joy is not far away.]
Claudia Joy
Buy you a drink, soldier?
Claudia Joy
Bet your wife doesn't understand you.
[Michael grins and gives Claudia Joy a kiss]
Claudia Joy
[walks to join Denise and Pamela at the table] What did I miss?
About a beer and a half. [laughs]
[brings a bottle of wine to the table] Wine.
Claudia Joy
I think this occasion calls for a toast. [holds cup] To The Hump. Can't keep a good bar down.
[Roxy takes out a bottle of water. The ladies toast]
Yeah. Water. It's better for the baby.
[squeals in excitement] I'm pregnant!!!
LLenore
Congratulations Claudia Joy. Looks like you win it all. Again.
Claudia Joy
This was never about winners or losers.
LLenore
Noble to the end. How endearing.
Claudia Joy
You know, Lenore. With all you've accomplished, I honestly don't understand how you can be such a miserable person.
Claudia Joy
Only someone intensely unhappy could be so petty and vindictive. It's not enough for you to succeed, others have to fail. I don't get it. What could you possibly want that you don't already have? Prestige, a successful husband, friends....
LLenore
Friends? I don't have friends. I have followers. They either fear me or want something from me. You have friends.
Claudia Joy
Well, you know why, Lenore? It's no great secret. I don't expect anything other than friendship in return. It's not a political calculation to me. It's really simple. To have a friend you need to be one first.
LLenore
Thank you for that. [gets up] I'll have to have it embroidered on a pillow someday. Right next to my Girls Scout handbook. Goodbye, Claudia Joy. [walks out]
Claudia Joy
You're having a baby? Seriously?
Claudia Joy
I don't believe it.
Claudia Joy
What about Frank?
[Camera cuts to Frank and Michael in Michael's office]
I was fine, once I came to. [shakes head] At first I thought she was joking.
So would I. You had no inkling?
[shakes head] None, none. After Jeremy was born they said Denise couldn't have more kids. [pauses] We haven't worried about birth control since.
[Camera cuts back to Claudia Joy and Denise]
Claudia Joy
You always said you wanted more children.
I meant twenty years ago. Talk about a late gift.
Claudia Joy
Oh, you're healthy, you're strong. This is a blessing. It's exciting.
Try terrifying. Well, you know the risks at our age. Chromosome problems, pre-eclampsia, even diabetes. I just thought I was past all this long time ago.
Claudia Joy
Having kids keeps you younger.
[Camera cuts back to Frank and Michael]
[horrified] Oh God. I feel old. I'm gonna be that guy sitting at a little league game with the ice cream dribbling down his chin. Other parents are gonna think I'm someone's grandpa.
[chuckles] Who cares what they think? I'd say this calls for a drink.
It's four in the afternoon in Baghdad.
[Camera cuts back to Denise and Claudia Joy]
Don't you have anything stronger?
Claudia Joy
Not for nine months, my friend.
Oh, I just realized that I will be packing lunch boxes when I'm fifty.
Army Wives · 293 quotes
