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SEASON 1

Are You There, Chelsea? · Season 1

Are You There, Chelsea? Season 1 quotes

24 quotes · page 1 of 2

Are You There, Chelsea?

All S1

S1 E15Unfinished Business

[voice-over] The best thing about December 17th was that I finally power-slurped the worm out of a high-end bottle of tequila. The worst thing: I got a DUI and ended up in Essex County Jail. Since it was my first time in lockdown, I didn't know what to expect. My new roommates were mostly inked-up tweakers. Except for one. I don't know what her crime was, but it was obviously fashion-related.

PPatty

What are you looking at, Barbie? Think you're better than me?

No. I was just thinking you would benefit from a really good bra.

PPatty

Is that your idea of some kind of joke? [gets up and starts walking toward Chelsea]

[voice-over] It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation was much more serious than I had realized. Then it hit me... I had to make friends with this woman, really quickly. [kisses Patty]

PPatty

I'll be in your bunk an hour after lights out. Mmm. [slaps Chelsea's butt] Wow!

[voice-over] Perhaps I thought too fast. My friendly overture had made the situation even worse. So I did what I do whenever I really screw up... I prayed. [out loud] Are you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. I know I messed up, but if you let me out of this cell, I swear I'll turn my life around.

GGuard

[shows up and opens the cell door] Hey, blondie. Time to go home.

[looking up] Damn, you're good.

Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan, and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital. I am tired of bailing you out.

Sloane, you never bail me out. [turns to a guard behind her] Yes, I see the irony.

I lived with you in the basement for a week after you wrecked dad's car.

Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.

And what about the time I handled dad when you and Olivia had those marines in your bedroom?

It was Veterans Day. We were being patriotic.

Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.

I'm really changing things. I even prayed in the holding cell, Sloane.

Vodka is not the Lord.

Are you sure? They're both invisible and have a hand in unexplained pregnancies.

SStan

Good evening. What can I get for you?

I will have a margarita, no salt.

SStan

Ha ha. I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here. Um, but if you want a free topper on your popcorn, come back as much as you want. [whispering] They only inventory the bags.

Is this your first time ever talking to a woman? We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please.

SStan

It's a buck less if you share a large combo.

Oh, no, no. No thanks. My sister does not like sharing.

Especially mouth STDs.

Sloane, you're blowing it for me with Stan.

SStan

Not possible. [blinks at Chelsea and walks away]

He has a little boner for you.

He's 15. He just has a little boner.

[referring to Sloane's ex-boyfriend] Chelsea had sex with Matt Gunn. I'm sorry.

She slept with him?!

But he said you were better in bed.

[grins] He said that?

Yeah, he said you're better in bed.

Oh, my God! Except for giving birth to what's-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life.

Hey, Dee. I'm heading out.

Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That's a joke, because I wouldn't do anything.

Why don't you get your butt off the couch and come out with me?

Oh. No thanks.

So what are you doing?

Origami. I'm perfecting my swan. Isn't it cool? [in a funny voice, while playing with her origami] "Hello, Chelsea. It seems like it's time for you to go out. It's 7:00!" [back to normal voice] Don't you just love swans?

[takes the origami and proceeds to play with it] If you keep doing origami, you will never have an "ori-gasm."

Do you remember what it felt like to be a virgin?

Not really. But I remember it felt wrong.

Wow. You're being incredibly cool to Nikki.

23 days until that rabid little hamster gets married and quits her job, which is gonna be great for me. And whether you know it or not, it's actually gonna be better for you.

I don't know, Chelsea. You know, when she's gone, you might just miss her. 'Cause deep down, she's a really good person. And on the surface, she is a really good person.

Okay. I'm done with you. I'm talking to the boss. [bends down to talk to Rick's penis] Listen, stretch, Nikki Natoli is bad for you. You stay away from her.

I'm not sure he heard you. You might wanna slap him around a little bit.

I'm sure you beat him enough.

This morning, I pretended my stuffed animals were the cast of Glee. I videotaped them performing Madonna's Ray of Light album. I was so proud of them.

NNikki

Carl certainly passed the gentlemen's test. I mean, most guys by now would have already been trying to put their hand up my shirt. Especially since I was basically putting my boobs in his hands.

I know what you mean. I totally respect that Ben looks me in the eye and listens to what I'm saying. But he better ram his Titanic into my iceberg soon.

NNikki

Can I just say something, please? And I hope this doesn't sound shallow 'cause I'm a spiritual person, but come on. I mean, if I were a lesbian, I would not be with a cocktail waitress, okay? I'd be with a lawyer or a talk show host or... Jennifer Aniston.

TDr. Thomas

She's not a lesbian.

NNikki

She would be when I got done with her.

Hey, did you guys hear about the Hooters that's opening down Route 10?

Hooters? Mm-hmm. Please. I'm gonna open a bar called Wieners. And all the waiters would have to wear a speedo with just the tip of their wiener sticking out of the top.

Nobody wants to see penis cleavage.

TTodd

Especially at my eye level.

[referring to her job interview at Tim Cornick's firm] I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years. I'm so nervous.

On The Apprentice the interview is always the most important part. We should practice. Here, Chelsea, you and I will be HR people. I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

And I'll be Mrs. Take-It-in-the-Bottom.

Oh, you. Okay. Now, Miss Pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?

Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?

Oh, yes, of course you may.

Miss Pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?

Yes.

You've got the job.

That's not how it works. I mean, is that how you got your job, Mrs. Take-It-in-the Bottom?

Yep. And my name.

I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.

Sure.

Promise.

I have a friend. I bought it when I was 16.

I bought mine when I was 14. But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.

[holding a pillow] His name is Mario Lopez.

[short pause] That's a pillow.

I know. But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

How far do you go with him, Dee Dee?

All the way to sleep.

That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.

So your problem is that Dee Dee's not mad at you. That's very stupid, Chelsea, even for you.

She's really repressing her feelings.

Good. We need more repression. And shame. And guilt. Then maybe we wouldn't see Lindsay Lohan's parent trap every time she hopped out of a Suburban.

TTodd

[after the IronPigs walk into the bar] Dudes. Look, it's the IronPigs.

Are you sure it's not Menudo?

TTodd

No, they're the Triple-A baseball affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Triple-A? That's my bra size.

That's my battery size.

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