Chelsea Newman quotes from Are You There, Chelsea?

Chelsea

[voice-over] The best thing about December 17th was that I finally power-slurped the worm out of a high-end bottle of tequila. The worst thing: I got a DUI and ended up in Essex County Jail. Since it was my first time in lockdown, I didn't know what to expect. My new roommates were mostly inked-up tweakers. Except for one. I don't know what her crime was, but it was obviously fashion-related.

What are you looking at, Barbie? Think you're better than me?

Chelsea

No. I was just thinking you would benefit from a really good bra.

Is that your idea of some kind of joke? [gets up and starts walking toward Chelsea]

Chelsea

[voice-over] It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation was much more serious than I had realized. Then it hit me... I had to make friends with this woman, really quickly. [kisses Patty]

I'll be in your bunk an hour after lights out. Mmm. [slaps Chelsea's butt] Wow!

Chelsea

[voice-over] Perhaps I thought too fast. My friendly overture had made the situation even worse. So I did what I do whenever I really screw up... I prayed. [out loud] Are you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. I know I messed up, but if you let me out of this cell, I swear I'll turn my life around.

[shows up and opens the cell door] Hey, blondie. Time to go home.

Chelsea

[looking up] Damn, you're good.

Sloane

Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan, and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital. I am tired of bailing you out.

Chelsea

Sloane, you never bail me out. [turns to a guard behind her] Yes, I see the irony.

Sloane

I lived with you in the basement for a week after you wrecked dad's car.

Chelsea

Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.

Sloane

And what about the time I handled dad when you and Olivia had those marines in your bedroom?

Chelsea

It was Veterans Day. We were being patriotic.

Sloane

Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.

Chelsea

I'm really changing things. I even prayed in the holding cell, Sloane.

Sloane

Vodka is not the Lord.

Chelsea

Are you sure? They're both invisible and have a hand in unexplained pregnancies.

Good evening. What can I get for you?

Chelsea

I will have a margarita, no salt.

Ha ha. I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here. Um, but if you want a free topper on your popcorn, come back as much as you want. [whispering] They only inventory the bags.

Sloane

Is this your first time ever talking to a woman? We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please.

It's a buck less if you share a large combo.

Chelsea

Oh, no, no. No thanks. My sister does not like sharing.

Sloane

Especially mouth STDs.

Chelsea

Sloane, you're blowing it for me with Stan.

Not possible. [blinks at Chelsea and walks away]

Sloane

He has a little boner for you.

Chelsea

He's 15. He just has a little boner.

Chelsea

Hey, Dee. I'm heading out.

Dee Dee

Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That's a joke, because I wouldn't do anything.

Chelsea

Why don't you get your butt off the couch and come out with me?

Dee Dee

Oh. No thanks.

Chelsea

So what are you doing?

Dee Dee

Origami. I'm perfecting my swan. Isn't it cool? [in a funny voice, while playing with her origami] "Hello, Chelsea. It seems like it's time for you to go out. It's 7:00!" [back to normal voice] Don't you just love swans?

Chelsea

[takes the origami and proceeds to play with it] If you keep doing origami, you will never have an "ori-gasm."

Olivia

Do you remember what it felt like to be a virgin?

Chelsea

Not really. But I remember it felt wrong.

Rick

Wow. You're being incredibly cool to Nikki.

Chelsea

23 days until that rabid little hamster gets married and quits her job, which is gonna be great for me. And whether you know it or not, it's actually gonna be better for you.

Rick

I don't know, Chelsea. You know, when she's gone, you might just miss her. 'Cause deep down, she's a really good person. And on the surface, she is a really good person.

Chelsea

Okay. I'm done with you. I'm talking to the boss. [bends down to talk to Rick's penis] Listen, stretch, Nikki Natoli is bad for you. You stay away from her.

Rick

I'm not sure he heard you. You might wanna slap him around a little bit.

Chelsea

I'm sure you beat him enough.

Carl certainly passed the gentlemen's test. I mean, most guys by now would have already been trying to put their hand up my shirt. Especially since I was basically putting my boobs in his hands.

Chelsea

I know what you mean. I totally respect that Ben looks me in the eye and listens to what I'm saying. But he better ram his Titanic into my iceberg soon.

Rick

Hey, did you guys hear about the Hooters that's opening down Route 10?

Chelsea

Hooters? Mm-hmm. Please. I'm gonna open a bar called Wieners. And all the waiters would have to wear a speedo with just the tip of their wiener sticking out of the top.

Rick

Nobody wants to see penis cleavage.

Especially at my eye level.

Olivia

[referring to her job interview at Tim Cornick's firm] I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years. I'm so nervous.

Dee Dee

On The Apprentice the interview is always the most important part. We should practice. Here, Chelsea, you and I will be HR people. I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

Chelsea

And I'll be Mrs. Take-It-in-the-Bottom.

Dee Dee

Oh, you. Okay. Now, Miss Pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?

Chelsea

Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?

Dee Dee

Oh, yes, of course you may.

Chelsea

Miss Pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?

Olivia

Yes.

Chelsea

You've got the job.

Dee Dee

That's not how it works. I mean, is that how you got your job, Mrs. Take-It-in-the Bottom?

Chelsea

Yep. And my name.

Dee Dee

I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.

Olivia

Sure.

Chelsea

Promise.

Dee Dee

I have a friend. I bought it when I was 16.

Chelsea

I bought mine when I was 14. But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.

Dee Dee

[holding a pillow] His name is Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

[short pause] That's a pillow.

Dee Dee

I know. But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

How far do you go with him, Dee Dee?

Dee Dee

All the way to sleep.

Chelsea

That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Sloane

So your problem is that Dee Dee's not mad at you. That's very stupid, Chelsea, even for you.

Chelsea

She's really repressing her feelings.

Sloane

Good. We need more repression. And shame. And guilt. Then maybe we wouldn't see Lindsay Lohan's parent trap every time she hopped out of a Suburban.

[after the IronPigs walk into the bar] Dudes. Look, it's the IronPigs.

Chelsea

Are you sure it's not Menudo?

No, they're the Triple-A baseball affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Olivia

Triple-A? That's my bra size.

Chelsea

That's my battery size.

Chelsea

[after Tommy walks into the bar] It's Tommy.

Rick

Did you just flip your hair?

Chelsea

No!

Rick

But you are putting on lip gloss.

Chelsea

I also hedged the runway, do you wanna talk about it?

Dee Dee

Stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!

Chelsea

That's not the first time I heard that.

Rick

Chelse, don't tell me what I can't do.

Chelsea

Oh, my God. You are sporting, like, a giant power boner right now.

Rick

No. You just can't handle the fact that I have authority over you.

Chelsea

No, I can't handle the fact that you're being so bossy.

Rick

Right. Nobody can tell you anything. That's why you have such healthy relationships.

Chelsea

Okay, your healthiest relationship in the last 5 years has been with a tub of petroleum jelly.