Olivia quotes from Are You There, Chelsea?

Olivia

Do you remember what it felt like to be a virgin?

Chelsea

Not really. But I remember it felt wrong.

Olivia

[referring to her job interview at Tim Cornick's firm] I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years. I'm so nervous.

Dee Dee

On The Apprentice the interview is always the most important part. We should practice. Here, Chelsea, you and I will be HR people. I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

Chelsea

And I'll be Mrs. Take-It-in-the-Bottom.

Dee Dee

Oh, you. Okay. Now, Miss Pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?

Chelsea

Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?

Dee Dee

Oh, yes, of course you may.

Chelsea

Miss Pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?

Olivia

Yes.

Chelsea

You've got the job.

Dee Dee

That's not how it works. I mean, is that how you got your job, Mrs. Take-It-in-the Bottom?

Chelsea

Yep. And my name.

Dee Dee

I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.

Olivia

Sure.

Chelsea

Promise.

Dee Dee

I have a friend. I bought it when I was 16.

Chelsea

I bought mine when I was 14. But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.

Dee Dee

[holding a pillow] His name is Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

[short pause] That's a pillow.

Dee Dee

I know. But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

How far do you go with him, Dee Dee?

Dee Dee

All the way to sleep.

Chelsea

That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.

[after the IronPigs walk into the bar] Dudes. Look, it's the IronPigs.

Chelsea

Are you sure it's not Menudo?

No, they're the Triple-A baseball affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Olivia

Triple-A? That's my bra size.

Chelsea

That's my battery size.

Rick

All right, you guys. Go ahead and try this. [gives Chelsea and Olivia each a shooter]

Olivia

[after trying the shooter] Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this about alcohol in any form, but... Uhh.

Rick

What? What do you mean, "uhh"? It's great. It's lavender-infused vodka with a hint of cream and a cactus liqueur.

Chelsea

That's not a drink. It's a candle you buy at a lesbian bookstore.

Chelsea

[planning a surprise party for Sloane] We'll have some light appetizers, like, you know, cocktails wieners, um, Dee Dee's cake, and then we'll invite some of her church friends. It'll be like a surprise.

Olivia

[gasps] Can we get a stripper?

Chelsea

What do you think I meant by "cocktail wieners"?