Dee Dee quotes from Are You There, Chelsea?

Dee Dee

This morning, I pretended my stuffed animals were the cast of Glee. I videotaped them performing Madonna's Ray of Light album. I was so proud of them.

Dee Dee

[referring to Sloane's ex-boyfriend] Chelsea had sex with Matt Gunn. I'm sorry.

Sloane

She slept with him?!

Dee Dee

But he said you were better in bed.

Sloane

[grins] He said that?

Dee Dee

Yeah, he said you're better in bed.

Sloane

Oh, my God! Except for giving birth to what's-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life.

Chelsea

Hey, Dee. I'm heading out.

Dee Dee

Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That's a joke, because I wouldn't do anything.

Chelsea

Why don't you get your butt off the couch and come out with me?

Dee Dee

Oh. No thanks.

Chelsea

So what are you doing?

Dee Dee

Origami. I'm perfecting my swan. Isn't it cool? [in a funny voice, while playing with her origami] "Hello, Chelsea. It seems like it's time for you to go out. It's 7:00!" [back to normal voice] Don't you just love swans?

Chelsea

[takes the origami and proceeds to play with it] If you keep doing origami, you will never have an "ori-gasm."

Olivia

[referring to her job interview at Tim Cornick's firm] I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years. I'm so nervous.

Dee Dee

On The Apprentice the interview is always the most important part. We should practice. Here, Chelsea, you and I will be HR people. I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

Chelsea

And I'll be Mrs. Take-It-in-the-Bottom.

Dee Dee

Oh, you. Okay. Now, Miss Pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?

Chelsea

Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?

Dee Dee

Oh, yes, of course you may.

Chelsea

Miss Pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?

Olivia

Yes.

Chelsea

You've got the job.

Dee Dee

That's not how it works. I mean, is that how you got your job, Mrs. Take-It-in-the Bottom?

Chelsea

Yep. And my name.

Dee Dee

I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.

Olivia

Sure.

Chelsea

Promise.

Dee Dee

I have a friend. I bought it when I was 16.

Chelsea

I bought mine when I was 14. But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.

Dee Dee

[holding a pillow] His name is Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

[short pause] That's a pillow.

Dee Dee

I know. But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

Chelsea

How far do you go with him, Dee Dee?

Dee Dee

All the way to sleep.

Chelsea

That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Dee Dee

Stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!

Chelsea

That's not the first time I heard that.

Community service? What'd you get arrested for? Being too hot?

Chelsea

[to Dee Dee] You didn't tell me this was the gifted program.

Dee Dee

[hands Chelsea a file] Here's Warren's work package.

Speaking of packages...

Chelsea

All right, stud, dial it back.