Sloane quotes from Are You There, Chelsea?

Sloane

Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan, and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital. I am tired of bailing you out.

Chelsea

Sloane, you never bail me out. [turns to a guard behind her] Yes, I see the irony.

Sloane

I lived with you in the basement for a week after you wrecked dad's car.

Chelsea

Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.

Sloane

And what about the time I handled dad when you and Olivia had those marines in your bedroom?

Chelsea

It was Veterans Day. We were being patriotic.

Sloane

Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.

Chelsea

I'm really changing things. I even prayed in the holding cell, Sloane.

Sloane

Vodka is not the Lord.

Chelsea

Are you sure? They're both invisible and have a hand in unexplained pregnancies.

Good evening. What can I get for you?

Chelsea

I will have a margarita, no salt.

Ha ha. I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here. Um, but if you want a free topper on your popcorn, come back as much as you want. [whispering] They only inventory the bags.

Sloane

Is this your first time ever talking to a woman? We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please.

It's a buck less if you share a large combo.

Chelsea

Oh, no, no. No thanks. My sister does not like sharing.

Sloane

Especially mouth STDs.

Chelsea

Sloane, you're blowing it for me with Stan.

Not possible. [blinks at Chelsea and walks away]

Sloane

He has a little boner for you.

Chelsea

He's 15. He just has a little boner.

Dee Dee

[referring to Sloane's ex-boyfriend] Chelsea had sex with Matt Gunn. I'm sorry.

Sloane

She slept with him?!

Dee Dee

But he said you were better in bed.

Sloane

[grins] He said that?

Dee Dee

Yeah, he said you're better in bed.

Sloane

Oh, my God! Except for giving birth to what's-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life.

Sloane

So your problem is that Dee Dee's not mad at you. That's very stupid, Chelsea, even for you.

Chelsea

She's really repressing her feelings.

Sloane

Good. We need more repression. And shame. And guilt. Then maybe we wouldn't see Lindsay Lohan's parent trap every time she hopped out of a Suburban.

Sloane

Why is my Pikachu throbbing?

Because I make it pretty.

Chelsea

You're getting a spa treatment. That's part of your surprise.

Sloane

No! You said we were gonna do nothing.

Chelsea

Well, now we're taking a family photo.

Sloane

A f... That's why you wax me? What kind of family photo are we taking? And what are you scrubbing me with? That hurts!

There is no beauty without bother, Devchonka.

Sloane

Are you Russian?

Yes. And so are you, judging by your black forest.