Chelsea Newman quotes from Are You There, Chelsea?

[in bed with Chelsea] One of my great joys is to cook for my lover and see the pleasure it gives her.

Chelsea

Yeah, I'm not a really big foodie. I'm more of a drinky and a screwy.

Rick

All right, you guys. Go ahead and try this. [gives Chelsea and Olivia each a shooter]

Olivia

[after trying the shooter] Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this about alcohol in any form, but... Uhh.

Rick

What? What do you mean, "uhh"? It's great. It's lavender-infused vodka with a hint of cream and a cactus liqueur.

Chelsea

That's not a drink. It's a candle you buy at a lesbian bookstore.

Community service? What'd you get arrested for? Being too hot?

Chelsea

[to Dee Dee] You didn't tell me this was the gifted program.

Dee Dee

[hands Chelsea a file] Here's Warren's work package.

Speaking of packages...

Chelsea

All right, stud, dial it back.

Chelsea

[planning a surprise party for Sloane] We'll have some light appetizers, like, you know, cocktails wieners, um, Dee Dee's cake, and then we'll invite some of her church friends. It'll be like a surprise.

Olivia

[gasps] Can we get a stripper?

Chelsea

What do you think I meant by "cocktail wieners"?

Sloane

Why is my Pikachu throbbing?

Because I make it pretty.

Chelsea

You're getting a spa treatment. That's part of your surprise.

Sloane

No! You said we were gonna do nothing.

Chelsea

Well, now we're taking a family photo.

Sloane

A f... That's why you wax me? What kind of family photo are we taking? And what are you scrubbing me with? That hurts!

There is no beauty without bother, Devchonka.

Sloane

Are you Russian?

Yes. And so are you, judging by your black forest.