Cordelia Chase quotes from Angel

Cordelia

What is stalking today like the third most popular sport among men?

Angel

'Fourth, after luge

Well, I don't know if I can help with the acting, but about the apartment?

Cordelia

What?

If you ever wanna, you know, spend one night away from the place? Maybe give me a call.

Cordelia

Well, stranger things have happened. No, wait--they really haven't. [Cordelia leaves and Doyle sits down in Angel's office.]

She's really something, isn't she? It's like wrestling a tiger just to get to know her. Tell me stuff.

Angel

What stuff?

About Cordelia.

Angel

Well, I... I know she can't type or file. Until today I had some hope regarding the phone.

Who's Aura?

Angel

I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. Bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school, decided what was in, who was popular. It was like the Soviet Secret Police, if they cared a lot about shoes.

Cordelia

Get this. I tried to call Doyle--I have sunk that low--and there was no answer. So here I am. Not that you were the last resort, it's just that I had nowhere else left to go. Roaches! Live ones, dead ones, all skinny feet and creepy antlers.

Angel

Antlers?

Cordelia

Oh my God, I wonder how many stowed away in that bag! Also? The water is all brown and spurty and not hot! I am dying for a shower. I actually smell. Smell me. I never smell. I didn't know I could. I'm just going to have to stay here until I find a decent place--however long that takes. And when I do, you're completely invited over. Hey, you can just dump my stuff on your couch. Or let me have the bed... whatever you feel good about. Also, my suitcase is still out in the hall.

Cordelia

[looking at apartment] Oh, my gosh. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

[looking at Cordelia] Nope. Never.

You'd better be sorry, you stupid little bitch.

Cordelia

[stopping crying and looking slowly up at Maude] I’m a bitch.

Take off the bed sheets, make a noose. Go on. It’ll all be over soon.

Cordelia

[getting up] I’m not a sniveling, whiny little Cry-Buffy. I’m the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one.

You are going to make yourself a noose and put it around--

Cordelia

Back off, Polygrip. You think you’re bad? All mean and haunty? Picking on poor pathetic Cordy? Well, get ready to haul your wrinkly, translucent ass out of this place, because lady, the bitch is back.

Do you think I'm going to take that from trash like you?

Cordelia

I'll tell you what I think. I think you're gonna pack your little ghost bags, and get the hell out of my house!

[shrieks]

Angel

Make sure you cut off all the limbs and both heads this time. Remember to bury the parts separately. [tosses sword to Doyle] I don't want this thing coming back to life again.

Cordelia

That's it?

Angel

I'm gonna go clean out the nest. I'll see you back at the office. [he leaves]

Cordelia

Okay, am I wrong in thinking that a "please" and "thank you" is generally considered good form when requesting a dismemberment?

He appreciates us, in his own... unappreciative way.

Angel

Wow. That's vandalism.

It's okay. We'll take care of it later.

Angel

We should leave a note.

Cordelia

Come on.

Angel

What's the magic word?

Cordelia

Urgh!

Angel

I don't think 'urgh' is a magic word, if one could call it a word, and certainly not a magic one.

Cordelia

We don't have time for this.

Angel

There's always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.

Cordelia

Oh, please.

Angel

[smiles] There. That wasn't so hard now was it?

Are you okay?

Cordelia

I'm fine. That was... you were so... brave!

You think you could say that again without so much shock in your voice? You're stepping on my moment of manliness here.

Cordelia

I'm sorry. I'm... just...

Surprised?

Cordelia

...Grateful.

Cordelia

So, here I am at Le Petit Renard with Mr. Armani, who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life.

Angel

Blue boxes.

Cordelia

Tiffany's! God! And the whole night I was bored silly. All I could think about was, if this wimp saw a monster, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out, the shoe part was giving him too much credit.

Angel

There aren't very many people who wouldn't run. It's just human nature.

Cordelia

Yeah. ... But all of a sudden "rich and handsome" isn't good enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault. Both of you.

Angel

Well, maybe not. Maybe you're changing. That could be a good thing.

Cordelia

Or disastrous. As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some... badly dressed superhero. [Angel supresses smile] He was really beat up. But you know the first thing he asked? 'Are you okay.' [Angel smiles] I mean, that's, like, substance. Right?

Angel

Well, there's definitely more to Doyle than meets the eye.

Cordelia

So I've gotta kill myself. [Angel stops smiling] I swore, when I went down this road with Xander Harris, I'd rather be dead than date a fixer-upper again.... Still, maybe you're right. Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really, really hidden. But depths! And I kinda have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life, don't you think?

Angel

Well, I...

Cordelia

Me,too. We'll be back in a half, you watch the phones, okay?

Cordelia

Well, someone has to go out there and cheer him up. [Angel reluctantly stands] Oh, please. Someone with a heartbeat? [walks over to sofa] Hi, Doyle! Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time now? 'Cause, you know, we already have one of those around the office.

Angel

Hey!

Hey!

Cordelia

He can get away with it. He's tall, and... and look at the way clothes hang on him! But you...

Angel

Okay, I think you've cheered us up enough.

Cordelia

You can't live in the past. You gotta move on. Let it go. Forget it. Tomorrow is another day. Did I mention letting it go?

Twice.

Cordelia

[sits beside Doyle] You're gonna get through this, Doyle. Nice guys don't always finish last.

...You think I'm a nice guy?

Cordelia

I think it, I say it. It's my way.

So, that's the Slayer.

Cordelia

That's our little Buffy.

Well, she seemed a little...

Cordelia

Bulgarian in that outfit?

Naw, I was gonna say 'hurt'.

Cordelia

Yeah, there's a lot of that when they're together. Come on.

I'll finally be free to go out and make me own mark in the world.

Cordelia

We had a cat that used to do that. Oh, God! What am I gonna do? I'm good for exactly two things: international superstardom, and helping a vampire with a soul to rid the world of evil. That makes for a short but colorful résumé.

[while Angel and Buffy are talking] Where are we going?

Cordelia

They'll be at this for a while. We still have time for a cappuccino and probably the director's cut of the Titanic.

Cordelia

Oh my god.

What?

Cordelia

[picks up a handful of dust] She killed him! [silence] Oops. My bad. It's just dust I forgot to sweep under the rug.

What are you, trying to give me a heart attack?

Cordelia

Hey! Don't blame me if he's too cheap to hire a cleaning lady! [Angel enters the office, looking dazed] What's wrong? What happened? Did you do it with Buffy? [Doyle approaches Angel] Watch it, Doyle, don't get too close. Hey! You walked in the front door, from the street! You've -

Angel

Yeah.

Cordelia

- got an umbrella!

'If you need help, then look no further. Angel Investigations is the best. Our rats are low...'

Cordelia

'Rates'!

It says 'rats'... '...Our rates are low, but our standards are high. When the chips are down, and you're at the end of your rope, you need someone that you can count on. And that's what you'll find here. Someone who'll go all the way, who'll protect you no matter what. So don't lose hope. Come on over to our offices, and you'll see that there's still heroes in this world.' ...Is that it? Am I done?