Mad Sweeney quotes from American Gods

Mad Sweeney

[chuckling] Did you have a genie in your bottle? Did you rub one out of him darling?

Mad Sweeney

[in Gaelic] Créd as co tarlaid an cac-sa-dam?! Nach lór rofhulangas?! Is lór chena, níam olc! Níam!!

Mad Sweeney

How much has our man told you?

Shadow

No details.

Mad Sweeney

The devil's in the details.

Mad Sweeney

He's hustling you. He's a hustler.

Damn right I'm a hustler. Swindler, cheater, and liar. That's why I need assistance.

Laura

I don't think you're ever going to get your coin back. Never ever ever. Not ever.

Mad Sweeney

Not not ever. Meat's going to slide off you sooner or later, dead wife. Sooner if you keep soaking it in hot water. All that connective tissue holding you together. Well, that's gonna liquefy. You'll find yourself on a hot, humid summer day just cooking in that moist heat. And you're going to fall right off the bone. When you do, I'm going to reach up under those ribs, and I'm going to pluck that coin out of you like a berry.

Freeze! Hands up!

Mad Sweeney

She ain't dead! She ain't dead. See? [Laura lays motionless at the bottom of the tub] Oh, you're an asshole. [as the police handcuff him] You're a fucking asshole, dead wife!! You're a fucking asshole, dead wife!!! You're an asshole, dead wife!!!

Mad Sweeney

I've done the math. This times that equals you're a cunt, divided by the only way I'm going to get what I need is if you give it to me, equals the only way you're going to give it to me is if you don't need it. Like my friend Jesus Christ, the only thing you need, dead wife, is resurrection.

Laura

Did you just name drop Jesus Christ like you know a guy who knows a guy?

Mad Sweeney

Your heart's not beating for this life anymore dead wife. This life is done.

Laura

Only felt my heart beat one time since I died. When I kissed Shadow.

Mad Sweeney

That doesn't obligate him to feel shit. You're so worried about being alive, but to him you're already dead. Wait, you kissed him?

Laura

Yeah I just said I kissed him.

Mad Sweeney

Put your tongue in his mouth?

Laura

Just the tip.

Mad Sweeney

Was it cold and dry?

Laura

Probably.

Mad Sweeney

Did it taste like cigarettes and vomit?

Laura

I have been smoking. ...Perhaps I misjudged the kiss. Probably should've had some gum or a mint.

Mad Sweeney

Yeah or a fucking tic-tac! If your man had any doubts about whether his wife was dead or not, that ended em. Death do us part. Take the fucking hint!

Laura

What fucking hint?

Mad Sweeney

He's gone! Your man came, he saw ya, tasted death on your tongue and he left. He ain't your man anymore. He's Wednesday's man. I saw him give it over. Right over there, right at that table over there. That's where he took his last glass of evil, vile fucking mead and made his bargain with the devil himself. Your piece of shit husband got a new life. Why don't you? This one got a new life. [motioning to Salim] He ain't looking back.

I did. And I'm not.

Can I help you with something, ma'am?

Laura

Yes! I've always wanted to steal a car. So I'm going to steal yours.

Uhh...well it's not mine, it's my boss'.

Laura

Okay well then I'm stealing his. [grabs a bunch of cash out of Mad Sweeney's pocket and hands it to him] I don't know how much is here but you take that, you tell your boss that you were robbed, which you have been.

My boss is never gonna believe me if I look like this.

Laura

Oh you look fine. You look great!

Mad Sweeney

No he means without evidence of a tussle. He wants me to punch him.

Whoa. You could kill me. Can she do it?

Mad Sweeney

Trust me. You don't want this one hitting ya. [punches him]

Laura

How much gold do you actually have?

Mad Sweeney

How much is in a hoard?

Laura

What the fuck is a hoard? And why do you have one?

Mad Sweeney

I was a king once.

Laura

[scoffs] Okay.

Mad Sweeney

I was. Then they made me a bird. Then mother church came along and turned us all into saints and trolls and fairies. General Mills did the rest.

Laura

So what's the appeal? What's Wednesday selling at this God fest that you gotta get a ticket?

Mad Sweeney

War.

In the Americas, anyone can be anything they insist upon. New name, new life. That's a place a body could be happy.

Mad Sweeney

What the fuck is happy?

Fucked if I know.

You have done me many a good turn.

Mad Sweeney

Good and ill. We're like the wind. We blow both ways.