MMike
Hey Arch, will you hold it down? Gloria and I are trying to sleep!
Archie: It's the only thing you ain't tried in that room yet!
S5Lionel the Live-in
I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.
Louise: Why not? She don't mind a father-in-law who's a jack-ass!
Good morning, Louise... Heeeeere's Lionel!
Archie: Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?
Edith, you're a doll. How did we find neighbors like you?
Archie: You moved out of Harlem.
Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?
Archie: Well, I'll tell ya, Lionel... I think it's against the law.
Don't worry, we can start all over again... you can give me another boy.
Louise: You better call Parcel Post... 'cause I've stopped making deliveries!
And you know what happens to blacks with no education, and looking for a job. They are last on the list.
George: No they ain't, the Puerto Ricans are last.
Archie: He's right Louise, the Puerto Ricans are last. Only they don't know it because they can't read the list.
S5Archie's Helping Hand
Oh ma, you'll never change. Whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.
Edith: Not always.
Gloria: Just tell me once when he didn't get his way, just once.
Edith: When he wanted a boy.
Why don't you do what all the men do with their bright ideas? They drop them in the suggestion box.
Irene: Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?
Archie: You know where the mens' toilet is?
Irene: Yeah.
Archie: There's three of 'em in there.
(disputing Irene's claims about equal pay) In the Bible, it says God made man in His own image. And he made women after, from a rib—cheaper cut.
Let me tell you this: Equality is unfair!
S5Archie and the Miracle
God has one of them voices that you never, ever forget... You know, like Bing Crosby.
It makes a man stop and think when he's just been the victim of a miracle.
MMike
Arch, did you ever stop to think... When that crate dropped, maybe God was out to get you, and missed?
Have you got your dollar for the collection plate?
Archie: Yeah, got it right over here in my wallet. Geez, a dollar a week in that plate from now on. Comes to what? Nearly fifty bucks a year.
Edith: Archie, you said yourself you was paying back the Lord for saving your life.
Mike: Ten cents would've covered that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's All in the Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.