Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in this country were killed by handguns?
Archie: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
S3Archie and the Editorial
BMr. Bennett
So how do you propose to stop people killing people?
Archie: That's easy, you bring back the death penalty!
Bennett: (on the phone) Get Johnson in here. I want him to see something before it becomes extinct.
MMike
Drivers don't mean to kill people.
Archie: Oh no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.
(on TV) Now I wanna talk about another thing that's on everybody's mind today and that's your stickups and your skyjackings. Which if that was up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.
Mike: (at home) You could?
Archie: All you gotta do, is arm all your passengers. Your skyjacker knows the passengers are armed, and then he ain't got no more superiorority there, he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more; they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and pick 'em up again at the end. Case closed.
S3Archie's Fraud
MMike
I'm tired. I had a rough day.
Archie: Yeah, what'd you do? Bend your library card?
Mike: You could never do what I did today.
Archie: Yeah? What was you doing?
Mike: Thinking.
I don't want you going to jail, Archie.
Archie: I ain't going to jail!
Edith: You never could get used to a strange bathroom.
S3Gloria and the Riddle
Maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter. Like that milk company.
Gloria: Oh, reincarnation?
Edith: Yeah!
BBarney
Hey, do you know any Polish jokes?
Archie: Are you kidding? I got one living in the house with me!
S3Lionel Steps Out
LLinda
Okay, Uncle Archie, you're on my plane. Now pretend you're a gentleman flying first-class.
Mike: That's going to take a lot of pretending.
Was your father strict with you, I mean, on who you went out with?
Edith: Oh, yeah. The boy had to be kind, and thoughtful, and a gentleman.
Mike: How did Archie ever pass that test?
Edith: Well, Dad died a year before I met Archie.
Gloria Ma, when you say kind and thoughtful and a gentleman, you're describing Lionel.
If God had intended white people to dance with coloreds—
Mike: He'd have given us rhythm, too.
Now we've been friends, and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black, white, and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between—put a lid on that, Archie.
If they want to mix up the races, let 'em. But we're going to keep ours pure! No more of that cream into the coffee!
(to Archie) If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's All in the Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.