Archie Bunker quotes from All in the Family

Archie

Give me plus-four!

Archie

Are you telling me that your sinus is draining in this bed? You mean that I'm sleeping with a guy with a leak?

Archie

I need a beer here, Edith.

Edith

What do you want, bottle or can?

Archie

We never buy bottles.

Edith

Then I'll bring you a can.

Archie

Dingbat.

Archie

Did you bring these things (cashews) into the house?

Edith

Probably.

Edith

I mean, probably I did.

Archie

But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?

You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.

Archie

I agree with that.

Archie

I wake up on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone. There's no note, no nothing. There's nobody here.

Edith

Mike was home.

Archie

Like I said, there was nobody here.

Lionel

What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.

Archie

You know, a guy could take that two ways.

Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.

Archie

Yeah, he's a good kid.

... I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.

Archie

What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.

Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads!

Archie

Huh?

You think with your mind closed!

Archie

And you eat with your mouth open!

You know you are totally incomprehensible?

Archie

Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense!

Archie

What is that smell?

Gloria

Paul is burning incense. I think it's nice.

Archie

It smells like a house of ill refute!

In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out.

Archie

Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.

Gloria

Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?

Archie

I don't remember none.

I think they invented good weather around 1940.

Edith

Oh, I remember some sunny days.

Archie

That must have been before we met.

Archie

You people involved, Lionel, with that women's liberation?

Lionel

No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation.

Archie

"Queens Free Clinic. A place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, that will produce free food, free medical attention, free treatment for VD." VD. Do you know what that means, Edith?

Edith

VD? No, wait, don't tell me. I know it's someone's initials.

Archie

Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.

Edith

I better go look at the stew. (She leaves)

Gloria

Daddy, I don't what this fuss is about. They have clinics like this all over the country.

Archie

Why should them dropouts get anything free? When I was a kid, you had to be in the Army to get free shots for VD.

Don't worry, Arch. I'm sure the Army still gets their share of the action.

Edith

I keep thinking it has something to do with flags and parades and things.

Gloria

What did, Ma?

Edith

I know, VD Day.

Archie

These colored people are always trying to use a social situation to raise their station.

That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!

Archie

Every picture I've seen of God, he's white.

Well, maybe you were looking at the negative!

Archie

Let's try to talk intelligent, huh?