Phil Coulson quotes from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

You yourself have designed dozens of operations like this. You know how this works.

Coulson

Usually with an extraction plan.

Barton. Romanoff. They never have an extraction plan.

Coulson

They know that going in.

Coulson

I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well.

Skye

Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy.

Coulson

Sure, he's handsome, but -

May

[interrupting] No. He's dreamy.

Coulson

So, the myth is your autobiography.

I didn't write it. I didn't want anyone to know about me. Then I had to open my big mouth.

Coulson

Were you captured? Tortured?

Horny. I met a French girl in 1546. Ah, she loved stories. So I told her a great one, all about the peaceful Asgardian warrior who stayed. Now, how was I to know her brother the priest would write it all down and turn it into, I don't know, a thing?

Coulson

Do you know Thor?

Oh, sure, I spent all my days palling around with the future King of Asgard. No, I don't know Thor. I was a mason. I broke rocks.

Coulson

She took it upon herself to get them out. Said she could fix the problem. So she went in, crossed off the enemy force, didn't say how.

Skye

Did she lose anyone in there?

Coulson

Herself. May used to be different. She was always quiet, she just...she was warm. Fearless in a different way, getting in trouble, pulling pranks, thought rules were meant to be broken. Sound familiar? But when she walked out of that building it was like that part of her was gone. I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't tell me what went down in there.

Skye

What did you say?

Coulson

I said the words I thought she needed to hear.

May

You can't undo what's been done. That will be with you, forever. But trying to hold on to this life, clinging to the person you thought you could be, that's hell. And you're dragging her down with you. You have to let go. Before my people come and make you do it. If you care about her, and I know you do, let her go. [Coulson, Ward and Sky arrive] Let the girl go, Tobias. Let the girl go.

Coulson

What did you say to him?

May

Same words you said to me in Bahrain.

Raina

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Coulson

Lucky for you.

Raina

Now, after all you've sacrificed -

Coulson

Sacrifice is part of the job. I would give my life -

Raina

You didn't just give your life, you gave up your chance at a normal one, at love. And she did love you, Agent Coulson.

Coulson

How could you know that?

Raina

Do you miss her? Dinners at the Richmond. Do you miss hearing her play?

Coulson

One thing before we start: what is it with the flowers?

Raina

Who doesn't like flowers?

Coulson

I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this.

Coulson

Disengage bracelet.

Skye

Are you kidding me?

Coulson

I thought you'd like that.

Coulson

We need to root out all the secrets.

May

Agent Ward and I have been having sex.

Coulson

Let me get that.

Simmons

Oh. Thanks, Dad...who looks far too young to have a daughter my age.

Simmons

[arguing with Coulson, pretending to act as his daughter] All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week?! No!

[interrupts] I'm terribly sorry about your loss, dear. [turns towards Coulson] As for you, now is your chance to do better. Why don't you see that you take it?

Simmons

Thank you, sir.

Let's go. [the passenger walks away]

Simmons

He's right. You never had time for her, but you made time for your work! And your prostitutes!

Coulson

Prostitutes? Plural?

Coulson

Garrett? What the hell are you doing here?

Well, as opposed to the Level 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders.

Coulson

You're the worst at following orders.

You know, usually when a friend wants a favor they do something nice. Takes me to a nice restaraunt, buys me a bottle of wine.

Coulson

Want to go to a movie? Hold hands? Okay, but I need to ask you a question first.

I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?

Coulson

Clearly not enough.

Something I can help you with? [Coulson stays quiet] Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?

Coulson

It sucked.

Lady Sif

What dark magic is this? Thor said you perished at the hand of Loki.

Coulson

And he was right. For a while anyway. But Loki wasn't the only one with some tricks up his sleeve. Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had a few of their own.

Sif

Thor will be pleased to hear it. He considers you a friend.

Coulson

I feel the same. Which is why I prefer he hear it from me, if that's okay.