Phil Coulson quotes from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Coulson

[[To Carl Creel] You can tell the General there's nothing you can do to make me join her [[w: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog|evil league of evil]].

Ward

Why was I pulled out of Paris?

That, you'll have to ask Agent Coulson.

Ward

Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that … Agent Coulson was killed in action, before the battle of New York. I got the full report.

Phil Coulson

Welcome to Level Seven. [walks in from a darkened corner] Sorry, that corner was really dark and I couldn't help myself. I think there's a bulb out.

Coulson

This is QNB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium-pentathol derivatives. It's a brand-new and extremely potent truth drug. Don't worry. The effects only last for about an hour.

Ward

And then you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll have all the answers to our--[Coulson injects Ward with the serum] Gah! What the hell?!

Coulson

I'm sorry, did that hurt?

Ward

[scoffs] No. But you've lost your mind. You should never do that to a member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit. But I always try and mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine—my God this stuff works fast.

Coulson

[To Skye] Don't trust us? Ask him whatever you like. [Leaves the room]

Ward

Wait a minute. You can't just … [shouting] This is definitely not protocol!

Skye

I don't even know where we are going.

Coulson

Peru. That's where the 0-8-4 was reported.

Skye

And an 0-8-4 is?

Coulson

An object of unknown origin, kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting.

Skye

What was it?

Coulson

A hammer.

Skye

Sweet ride.

Coulson

I earned a little good will from Director Fury when I got hit right before the battle of New York.

Skye

You took a bullet?

Coulson

Ish.

Coulson

You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. [Walks away]

May

[Quietly, to herself] And you died.

They won't understand the good I did here.

Coulson

Killing innocent people?

Saving millions. We have to live with the choices we make, but sometimes we have to die with them, too.

Skye

So you asked how she could have cracked the system. I have a pitch, but it's way outside the box.

Coulson

I live outside the box.

Coulson

Have you seen Skye?

Ward

Not since weapons training.

Coulson

She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?

Ward

Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we will be making real progress.

Skye

What's up, Phil?

Coulson

I prefer you not call me "Phil".

Skye

OK, you're the boss, AC.

May

His file say anything about him being homicidal?

Coulson

Just said he was kind of a tool.

Poor little Chan Ho Yin may have believed your lies, but not Scorch!

May

Who?

Coulson

Oh, crap. They gave him a name.

Jemma Simmons

Working up a good sweat there, sir?

Coulson

I don't sweat. I glisten.

Simmons

Blood pressure, heart rate, biochems, all normal. All that’s left is the blood sample.

Coulson

You should know, I’m not a fan of getting poked.

Simmons

Tell me, sir, have you been feeling under the weather lately?

Coulson

Why?

Simmons

I just noticed from your chart that you’re not due for a general physical for another three months.

Coulson

I made a mistake, took a call from my physical therapist. Asked how I was feeling, I said “a little rusty”. Next thing you know I’m wired to this hamster wheel.

Simmons

Well, you can officially tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle, especially for a man of your age.

Coulson

A man of my age? That's something you say to an old person.

Simmons

[nervous] Is it? Well, let’s get you some electrolytes, shall we?

Simmons

Sir, I know the protocol in these circumstances, but could you please tell my dad first? I just think my mum would take it better if it comes from him.

Coulson

We’re not there yet, there’s still time.

Simmons

Sir, please. Would you mind if I had a brief moment alone with Fitz?

May

Come on, let’s go.

Fitz

We’ll try again. The electrostatic pulse from the third rat seemed much less, so we’re making progress. If we can calibrate the antiserum…

Simmons

Antiserum, yes. You finally got it right, Fitz. [Conks him on the head] I’m so sorry.

I need a two man team to sneak over the border, find the device, and disarm it within the next 48 hours. And you have two people who fit my bill.

May

Ready to go.

Ward

I was in Georgia when the incursion occurred. I still have contacts on the other side of the border.

And you'll need them. But, we don't have specs on the device, so I need someone on your team who can recognize and dismantle it on sight.

Ward

...Do you mean...

Coulson

I think she does...

Fitz

I found a localized EMP, plus a few other party favors. [The door closes when the cart's halfway through] Oh, come on. What the... Open. It's stuck. [Coulson, Ward, and May arrive] The cart's stuck. [Fitz pulls open the door and turns back to the front of the cart] That's unbelieveable. [The door closes again] WHAT THE HELL?! Who designed this?! In the Hub, of all places! [He shoves the cart out the door, which closes on him.] Oh, that's... [Door closes, cutting off his voice. But he can be seen saying "fantastic".]

Ward

...Seriously?