Abbott Elementary · Season 1
After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!
Yes!
Yes!
You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!
The kids are gonna love this.
Yes!
I know, right?
I don't get Gritty.
What the hell, Gritty? You're supposed to be here next Monday! What are you doing here?
Okay. He says he's scheduled for today.
What? No.
Gritty! Oh!
Ain't he cool? Look at him picking that belly-button lint. Celebrities! They're just like us.
Gritty! My man! Your mom doing all right?
(squeaks)
I get it now. I'm not not a fan.
(squeaks)
[final lines]
And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.
Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?
I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.
Daniel Radcliffe?
Yeah.
Ava, have you seen a... Is this you?
Oh. That must have fell in there by mistake. Mind your business.
What you looking for?
Uh, I lost something.
What? Your sense of style? Ha ha! Up top!
No.
You a hater.
What'd you lose?
Uh, it was a shawl that was in my classroom. It was my warmest one. I am so cold. [CHUCKLES]
You think someone took it?
Who would just take a shawl?
Really?
Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.
What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."
Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.
Yay.
And we'll just get rid of that.
Whoa.
Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.
Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.
Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.
That's nice, dear.
You brought "Trivial Pursuit."
Yes, and people had fun playing it in between illegal drinking. What are you doing here?
Oh, well, I guess my nephew's in your class. He's dressed as Baby Thanos. I'm helping my sister with drop off this week. How are you doing, though? I saw on Facebook you and Tariq broke up. He made a memorial page for your relationship and everything.
Yeah, I asked him not to do that. Um, but, yeah, I'm ... I'm doing fine. Just had to take a step back ...
Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.
And now you've made me an accessory.
She's got a friend who's a lawyer.
Oh, fun. Okay.
Yeah.
Mr. F. A. D. E.!
Aw, yeah.
Yeah, they do. It's crazy.
Uh, my eighth-grade students and I will need the gym and a safety ladder next week.
For a dunk contest?
No. We'll be doing the egg drop. Appreciate it if everyone can bring any eggs that they can spare.
Well, sounds like you got it all out. I'll see you in an hour.
Oh, no. Wait. I think, um ... I think I might, uh ... I don't think I'm gonna be able to come in today.
So dramatic. Next time, start with that.
Look, I have a binder I keep for subs. It has ev...
Venus, call in a sub for Ms. Teagues' class. Preferably male. 6'2 ", 6'3" in boots. A Gregory Eddie type. Headshots if you got 'em.
Ava, there's a county-wide sub shortage. It was in the memo the district sent last week.
What? I have no record of that.
It says, "Attention Principal Coleman. Urgent. Must Read."
They all say that.
You don't want to stick around to see if Barbara drinks enough fun punch to do the heel toe?
Oh, no, I definitely do. But, um, I'm meeting Erika. So, I gotta go get ready.
Oh. Leaving a school function early? That's new.
It is new. I am having a life outside of school.
Well, that's nice. I'm also going out with some friends tonight.
Okay, cool. Well... I hope you have a good time, and enjoy your break.
Yeah. You, too.
Yeah.
Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?
Game time!
That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, come on up here for a second. Alright, listen up. You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. Can you handle it?
We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.
Alright! That's my girl. Go get 'em, kids.
I'm gonna read more books than anyone.
Yeah, right.
Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? Just like everybody else.
What was that?
Nothing.
Did I see your last name on it?
It's a flier for my dad's landscaping company.
Aww. Uh, is that your brother?
No, I'm actually an only child, but apparently appearing to be a family business help: bring in customers.
That's... Sorry, so your... Your dad, he hired an actor to play his son instead of just asking you?
Yeah.
I think I'm confused.
You're not.
Well, he fine. Can I have your fake brother's real number? I'd like to climb that family tree.
No, thank you.
Ms. Teagues, people aren't paying attention to us.
Don't give up yet, David. Sometimes you just got to put on a little show, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?
Excuse... Excuse me, ma'am.
It's not the most current dance, but, uh, I do it really well, so...
Hello, sir. May I interest you in some delicious candy?
Hell no. Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.
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