Hey.
AAyesha
Hey.
Hey. Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Ayesha!
That's my friend, Jacob.
Great to meet you!
AAyesha
Yeah, nice to meet you, too.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!
Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!
Wait, Ava, where are you going?!
I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!
Okay, real fire.
Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.
You guys up. Turn that way.
AAmber
Hey!
Hey.
AAmber
Ooh. The weekend couldn't get here fast enough. Work was a lot this week. Very excited for a breather.
I can't wait to show you what I have planned. We have snowshoeing, a coal jewelry workshop, and tree-ventures just to start.
AAmber
I thought we were gonna be, like, relaxing... in a hot tub.
We are, after the firewood harvesting forum.
AAmber
Seems like you have a lot planned.
That's the best way to relax... On a strict schedule.
AAmber
Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. So, um, I don't think we're on the same page... again.
Well, I'm on page nine. Where you at?
AAmber
Gregory, put the book away. It's not really a book, but okay. I don't wanna do any of this.
What do you want to do?
AAmber
Nothing. I wanna do nothing.
Okay. I hear you. I think I can schedule in some nothing time after the snow hike.
AAmber
We need to talk.
SStudent
Damn.
I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.
They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?
I do not.
Okay.
Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.
I know. I was like, "Mm!"
You don't have to make a decision. Well?
Well, what?
What's with the hat?
Oh, this? It's nothing.
It's the loudest nothing I ever saw.
Boy, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing brand-new hat.
Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."
Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.
Well, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.
This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.
School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?
All they can do is help us find a job at another public.
Hey.
Hey.
Ugh! Disgusting.
Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.
Okay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.
I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.
Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.
Wait, there's a group chat?
People have thrown dirt on my name. Others have given flowers. But it’s all a garden to me.
Barbara, I’ve never seen you fail a child. You always find a solution
Oh, please. I do not always have the answers. But I always show up. And that’s what matters
Feeling under the weather?
VVanetta
It's cold and flu season somewhere.
Well, I'm sure that's true. Lovely of you to come by and see Janine at work. It meant so much to her. She talks about you all the time.
VVanetta
Can you believe she's never invited me here before?
I really can't. You've raised a wonderful daughter. I hope you're extremely proud.
VVanetta
I am. You know, she's a Penn grad. Her sister, on the other hand... well, you win some, you lose some.
I have had the great pleasure of watching Janine grow so much. I mean, this year alone, working for her students and on herself, building up the confidence and the money to treat herself to a much-needed vacation.
Huh?
MMaurice
Wait, wait, wait. So, for clarity, you don't think you were being selfish?
No.
MMaurice
Oh, so it's normal for you to invite a guy to his favorite barbecue restaurant just to break up with him in front of his friend who you kissed but didn't actually date?
I didn't think of it that way.
MMaurice
Yeah. It stung a little bit, but it's all good. I, too, become selfish sometimes. For example, I'm ghosting this girl right now. You know, she thinks I'm dead, but this convo, it inspired me to reach out to her, send her a text. I wouldn't want to hurt her.
They're not all bad.
I think they're cool.
Mnh.
I actually like them this year.
Shocking.
I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.
Good morning, Abbott Elementary!
Ava! Your needed in the gym!
Yeah, there's a bunch of teachers in there saying Princeton's better than Harvard.
OH HELL NO!
[Ava runs out of the office.]
Okay, we have like two minutes so can you please fill us in on the rest of this genius plan?
Ava said she stopped listening to the Town Women.
City Girls.
But I know there's one song she cannot resist. Jacob, whip out the Walkman.
Phone.
Open up Napster.
Spotify.
Jesus, close your ears. Come on.
[Ava runs into the gym.]
Princeton is the Temple University of the Ivies!
Now Mr. Johnson!
Let go of your butts!
[The lights turn on and Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" starts playing with Ava dancing]
Yeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?
Oh, you guys don't have to do that.
JHJalen Hurts
Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!
They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?
JHJalen Hurts
Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.
Good morning. Good morning. (Gasps) Good morning.
Good morning Mrs. Howard.
Tariq.
Huh?
What are you doing here? Janine's down at the district now.
Dang, she moved to D.C.?
And take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.
You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.
To quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.
And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O'Neal, his biological didn't bother. See, I've been dating his mama for like seven weeks, so technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now. Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?
Mm.
Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.
RCaptain Robinson
Nah, but this is a real problem.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?
Yeah, what you, a French child?
CCurtis
The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.
A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.
CCurtis
Not on any of the signs I saw.
What?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Abbott Elementary pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.