Jacob Hill quotes from Abbott Elementary

Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."

Jacob

Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.

Well, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.

Jacob

This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.

School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?

All they can do is help us find a job at another public.

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Hey.

Hey.

Ugh! Disgusting.

Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.

Okay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.

I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.

Jacob

Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.

Wait, there's a group chat?

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They're not all bad.

Jacob

I think they're cool.

Mnh.

I actually like them this year.

Shocking.

I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.

Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

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Ava! Your needed in the gym!

Yeah, there's a bunch of teachers in there saying Princeton's better than Harvard.

OH HELL NO!

[Ava runs out of the office.]

Okay, we have like two minutes so can you please fill us in on the rest of this genius plan?

Ava said she stopped listening to the Town Women.

City Girls.

But I know there's one song she cannot resist. Jacob, whip out the Walkman.

Jacob

Phone.

Open up Napster.

Jacob

Spotify.

Jesus, close your ears. Come on.

[Ava runs into the gym.]

Princeton is the Temple University of the Ivies!

Now Mr. Johnson!

Mr. Johnson

Let go of your butts!

[The lights turn on and Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" starts playing with Ava dancing]

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Mm.

Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.

RCaptain Robinson

Nah, but this is a real problem.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?

Yeah, what you, a French child?

CCurtis

The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.

A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.

CCurtis

Not on any of the signs I saw.

Jacob

What?

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Jacob

Trigger warning, one of my students has ringworm.

Ringworm?!

D'oh! Get back.

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Jacob

I did not have ringworm.

Jacob, we have to protect the entire school.

Jacob

This is not fair.

The last time you washed your legs.

Mr. Johnson

I love you, Jacob. But I will beat you down.

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[first lines]

Jacob

Yeah, according to this, it could be the final tour. Moving from news to opinion, I hope she does perform live again, but I don't think she owes that to her fans after all she's given to us. You like Britney, Billy?

BBilly

No.

Jacob

Oh. That about wraps up the Daily Jacob. Hey, how about that SEPTA strike, huh? You think that's gonna happen?

BBilly

Nah, it's usually just all talk.

Jacob

Well, as a union man myself, I stand beside ya.

BBilly

Behind the line.

Jacob

Yeah. I stand behind you. You know, the thing about Britney that people don't understand-

BBilly

Okay. This is your stop.

Jacob

Oh, no. No, I’m- I’m not for, like, four more blocks. I'm with them.

BBilly

End of the line.

Jacob

This is a block where I got roundhoused.