A character in Abbott Elementary
Played by Lisa Ann Walter
Abbott Elementary · 136 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Abbott Elementary: in 32 of its 136 quotes
Most scenes with: Janine Teagues (16), Gregory Eddie (13), Barbara Howard (11)
I know. I was like, "Mm!"
MelissaYou don't have to make a decision. Well?
Well, what?
MelissaWhat's with the hat?
Oh, this? It's nothing.
It's the loudest nothing I ever saw.
Boy, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing brand-new hat.
Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."
Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.
MelissaWell, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.
This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.
School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?
MelissaAll they can do is help us find a job at another public.
Hey.
Hey.
MelissaUgh! Disgusting.
Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.
MelissaOkay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.
I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.
Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.
Wait, there's a group chat?
They're not all bad.
I think they're cool.
Mnh.
I actually like them this year.
MelissaShocking.
I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.
Good morning, Abbott Elementary!
Ava! Your needed in the gym!
MelissaYeah, there's a bunch of teachers in there saying Princeton's better than Harvard.
OH HELL NO!
[Ava runs out of the office.]
MelissaOkay, we have like two minutes so can you please fill us in on the rest of this genius plan?
Ava said she stopped listening to the Town Women.
City Girls.
But I know there's one song she cannot resist. Jacob, whip out the Walkman.
Phone.
Open up Napster.
Spotify.
Jesus, close your ears. Come on.
[Ava runs into the gym.]
Princeton is the Temple University of the Ivies!
Now Mr. Johnson!
Let go of your butts!
[The lights turn on and Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" starts playing with Ava dancing]
MelissaYeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?
Oh, you guys don't have to do that.
Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!
They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?
Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.
MelissaMm.
Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.
Nah, but this is a real problem.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
MelissaOh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?
Yeah, what you, a French child?
The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.
A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.
Not on any of the signs I saw.
What?
Ava Fest, on the other hand, is going to be special. I just have to come up with a way to take it over the top. A way to make it unhinged.
MelissaHave you ever tried just being hinged?
Trigger warning, one of my students has ringworm.
Ringworm?!
MelissaD'oh! Get back.
Watch out for this one. He's a biter.
MelissaHe didn't bite me.
[The hamster bites Janine's finger.]
God.
MelissaThe Deli across the street is being turned into a freaking smoothie shop.
Which one. Smoothin' on up? Unblended knee. It's not fruit groups, is it?
He knows so many different smoothie shops.
MelissaNope, It's gonna be a fruit, there it is.
MelissaHey, what the hell are you doing here?! I told you weren't invited to this.
I respect your wishes. Paramedics got a death alert ring from this house.
Can we glue some jelly beans on it?
Well, how many times have you seen jelly beans on a volcano?
I've never seen a volcano.
MelissaNeither have I, but I'm pretty sure there's no jelly beans on them.
MelissaYeah, I don't know. It's just lacking, like, a "wow" factor.
Are you familiar with the Vegas Sphere?
MelissaNo, but I think this is good.
The Please Touch Museum is for babies.
What?! No way.
MelissaIt's like Disney World but for kids.
Mr. Johnson loves it. He's decided to come with us.
I don't wanna go there, it's for babies.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Abbott Elementary pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
