What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood.
S1Son-in-Law
Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.
Can I sit in the cart?
No!
He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations...? (Bridget's still confused) Charles Dickens...? (Bridget's still confused) A book...?
She's in bed with him, and you do nothing?
We're on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.
S1Cheerleader
Is my little girl a cheerleader?
Cate is motioning to him to shut up
Yes, she is!
I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?
Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.
Yell captain.
I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!
They're not all airheads, Kerry.
No, some of them are potheads.
S1Trick or Treehouse
Paul, give it a rest. You can't make the kids play with you.
Play with me? They live in my house and don't even like me. They're not kids. They're cats.
Dad, do we really have to spend the night in that stupid treehouse again? We do it every single year.
Every single year.
Come on. It's our last Halloween tradition. Don't grumble, Bridget. You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man With Ax In Head and Little Man With Ax In Head.
S1By the Book
(As Paul is reading a parenting book)
So what's the sudden interest after all my years of begging?
Well Cate, I just figured it's time. Our daughters are maturing and you know it would be foolish of me not to use expert resources available right at my fingertips.
They've beaten you down, haven't they?
They're killing me by inches.
Paul (to Bridget and Kerry): You're both grounded, go to your room.
What! You've officially destroyed my life and you're like a life destroyer! I hate you!
I hate you too. You're the meanest father ever. You're meaner then Angela's father.
Angela's father did time!
Exactly!
(about the girls) Well, it's official. They hate me again.
Aw, congratulations. (holds up two tickets) Maybe these'll make you feel better.
Red Wings, center ice? Where did you get these?
(imitating Anthony) Shoot. I was kickin' wit my partner Anthony W., and he gave me the 411 on how he got B to the K all grounded and whatnot. He was all, "Damn, Mrs. Henn, that's cold! I gots to make dat right!" So he hooked me these fazoon duckets. Know what I mean?
S1Two Boys for Every Girl
What's new with my little family?
Well, no one loves your daughters.
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