TV show quotes
[Max and Caroline learn that Oleg is moving in with Sophie]
What is the problem? This is all good news. Sophie and Oleg are in love.
Yeah! And they'll be in love on our stairs, in our hallway, and on every surface of the laundry room. What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?
I know Jesus has a girl for me. He has to. I'm $400 deep into that damn website.
[Caroline looks through the peephole and sees Oleg and Han in the hallway]
Get away from the door! Han will see your feet under the door, they're right at his eye level.
This is like a horror movie—Saw III. Because when Han bent over, I saw 3 inches of his crack.
So you saw his whole crack?
[Sophie asks Max to be her maid of honor]
Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man?
Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.
Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.
[Max and Caroline go to a bar, where Caroline meets a man who resembles Jesus]
I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.
But we came together.
Yeah, I know you guys did. It happened, like, the second he kissed you.
I don't do this. I just met him.
Look, Caroline, I haven't read the Bible, but I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him... back to his apartment. Let go... Let God... get to third base.
[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?
Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.
Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.
Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.
[Max and Caroline accuse two rich high school girls of selling knock-offs of their cupcake T-shirts]
We did not steal your idea.
Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn!
Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.
I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.
[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.
[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?
No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.
[pause] Preach.
[at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?
Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."
Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.
And these are my boobs.
Max, be professional.
These are my boobs, sir.
Please, I have to make him a waiter.
Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.
[about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band.
Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there!
But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?
You know what I like? That we're doing it.
Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.
Who are you calling a prostitute?
Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.
Well, we'll miss you, Han.
Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.
You two are so adorable, like Romeo and Juliet... except without the bright future.
Well, it happened.
Ryan Seacrest came out?
Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!
Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?
Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.
Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.
All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.
Oh, my God!
I know! Another Max is getting plowed on our block?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
