James Hacker quotes from Yes, Minister

Hacker

Why is it that ministers can't ever go anywhere without their briefs?

Bernard

It's in case they get caught with their trousers down.

Sir Humphrey

There's the excuse we used for the Munich Agreement: it occurred before certain important facts were known and couldn't happen again.

Hacker

What important facts?

Sir Humphrey

Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

Hacker

I thought everybody knew that.

Sir Humphrey

Not the Foreign Office.

Sir Humphrey

Perhaps it is just for a drink, Minister.

Hacker

Don't be silly, Humphrey. They don't ask you to Number 10 for a drink just because they think you're thirsty!

Bernard

We can CGSM it.

Hacker

CGSM?

Bernard

Civil Service code, Minister. It stands for "Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers".

Hacker

What?

Bernard

A load of old cobblers, Minister.

Hacker

I'm not a civil servant. I shall use my own code. I shall write: "Round Objects".

Bernard

You remember that letter you wrote "Round Objects" on?

Hacker

Oh yes.

Bernard

It's come back from Sir Humphrey's office. He's commented on it.

Hacker

What does he say?

Bernard

Who is Round and to what does he object?

Sir Humphrey

[talking about nuclear fallout shelters] Well, you have the weapons; you must have the shelters.

Hacker

I sometimes wonder why we need the weapons.

Sir Humphrey

Minister! You're not a unilateralist?

Hacker

I sometimes wonder, you know.

Sir Humphrey

Well, then, you must resign from the government!

Hacker

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not that unilateralist! Anyway, the Americans will always protect us from the Russians, won't they?

Sir Humphrey

Russians? Who's talking about the Russians?

Hacker

Well, the independent deterrent.

Sir Humphrey

It's to protect us against the French!

Hacker

The French?! But that's astounding!

Sir Humphrey

Why?

Hacker

Well they're our allies, our partners.

Sir Humphrey

Well, they are now, but they've been our enemies for the most of the past 900 years. If they've got the bomb, we must have the bomb!

Hacker

If it's for the French, of course, that's different. Makes a lot of sense.

Sir Humphrey

Yes. Can't trust the Frogs.

Hacker

You can say that again!

Sir Humphrey

If local authorities don't send us statistics, Government figures will be a nonsense.

Hacker

Why?

Sir Humphrey

They'll be incomplete.

Hacker

Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.

Bernard

I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.

Hacker

Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?

Bernard

God moves in a mysterious way.

Hacker

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, OK?

Bernard

Will you tell him or shall I?

Hacker

Get Humphrey to come back here at once.

Bernard

Yes, Minister. [Picks up phone] The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days.

Hacker

At once.

Bernard

In fact, sometime today is really...

Hacker

At once!

Bernard

...Sometime during the next 60 seconds. [hangs up] He's coming round now.

Hacker

Why? Did he faint?

Bernard

No, he's just, you know...

Hacker

This is serious, Bernard.

Bernard

Yes, I know.

Hacker

This is no laughing matter.

Bernard

No, certainly not.

Hacker

The question is, how am I going to deal with it?

Bernard

In my opinion...

Hacker

The question was purely rhetorical, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey

The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume; but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.

Hacker

I beg your pardon?

Sir Humphrey

It was... I.

Hacker

How am I going to explain the missing documents to the Mail?

Sir Humphrey

Well, this is what we normally do in circumstances like these.

Hacker

"This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..." Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

Sir Humphrey

No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.

Hacker

"...Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments". That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?

Hacker

How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... Zero?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, Minister.

Hacker

Isn't this terrible? Print baseless accusations like this!

Sir Humphrey

Oh, yes, yes, terrible.

Hacker

Baksheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!

Sir Humphrey

Absolutely, Minister!

Hacker

Still, it's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?

Bernard

I think the sports news is behind it.

Hacker

I want to know the truth, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

I don't think you do, Minister.

Hacker

Will you answer a direct question?

Sir Humphrey

I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.

Hacker

Why?

Sir Humphrey

It might provoke a direct answer.

Hacker

It never has yet.

Hacker

Bernard, what do YOU know about this? Tell me on your word of honour.

Bernard

Oh, well, I... er... Er, that is... there was. Someone did.

Sir Humphrey

It’s a lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay.

Hacker

Bernard?

Bernard

Well one of the Kumranis did tell me he'd received...

Sir Humphrey

Hearsay, Minister.

Hacker

Hearsay?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, Bernard heard him say it.

Hacker

Are you telling me Humphrey that the BES contract was won by bribery?

Sir Humphrey

Oh Minister, I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery.

Hacker

What would you like me to say? Slush funds, sweeteners, brown envelopes?

Sir Humphrey

Oh Minister these are extremely crude and unworthy expressions for what is no more than creative negotiation. It is the general practice.

Hacker

You do realise what you're saying don’t you, Humphrey? I ratified that contract, didn’t I? In good faith!

Sir Humphrey

Yes indeed, Minister.

Hacker

And in that communiqué I issued to the press, I announced a British success won in a fair fight!

Sir Humphrey

Mm, yes, I did wonder about that bit.

Hacker

Now you're telling me it was got by bribery.

Sir Humphrey

No, Minister.

Hacker

Oh, it was not got by bribery?

Sir Humphrey

That is not what I said.

Hacker

What did you say?

Sir Humphrey

I said I'm not telling you it was got by bribery.

Hacker

Well how would you describe these payments?

Sir Humphrey

How does the contract describe them you mean? Oh, well, that's really quite simple. Retainers, personal donations, special discounts. Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, political contributions, management expenses.

Hacker

And how are these payments made?

Sir Humphrey

Well anything from a numbered account in a Swiss bank, to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents.