A character in Yes, Minister
Played by Paul Eddington
Yes, Minister · 89 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Yes, Minister: in 60 of its 89 quotes
Most scenes with: Sir Humphrey Appleby (41), Bernard Woolley (22), Annie (3)
[After Sir Humphrey prevents Lucy's nude protest by telling her that the Hayward Spinney badger colony is non-existent]
HackerHumphrey, was there one word of truth in that whole story that you told Lucy?
Minister, do you really want me to answer that question?
Hacker[thinks uneasily] No, I don't think I do.
[smiles] Quite so. Perhaps there are some things it is better for a Minister not to know?
HackerYou're blathering, Bernard.
Yes, Minister.
HackerWhy are you blathering, Bernard?
It's my job, Minister.
HackerThe National Health Service, Humphrey, is an advanced case of galloping bureaucracy!
Oh, certainly not galloping. A gentle canter at the most.
[Bernard explains to the Minister the honours available to senior Civil Servants.]
HackerWell, what has Sir Arnold to fear, anyway? He's got all the honours he could want, surely?
Well, naturally he has his G.
HackerG?
Yes; you get your G after your K.
HackerYou speak in riddles, Bernard.
Well, take the Foreign Office. First you get the CMG, then the KCMG, then the GCMG; the Commander of the Order of St Michael and St George, Knight Commander of St Michael and St George, Knight Grand Cross of St Michael and St George. Of course, in the Service, CMG stands for "Call Me God," and KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God."
Hacker[chuckles] What does GCMG stand for?
"God Calls Me God."
[The Master of Baillie College learns why the honorary doctorate of law should not go to a judge.]
Hacker[a bit drunk] A judge?! You don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws! Politicians are the ones who make the laws, and pass the laws! If it wasn't for politicians, judges wouldn't be able to do any judging! They wouldn't have any laws to judge! They'd all be out of work! There'd be queues of unemployed judges! In silly wigs!
[tries to interrupt] I think what the Minister is trying to say is...
HackerBesides, it's easy for judges. Judges don't have to lie to television producers, don't have to suck up to journalists, don't have to pretend they like their Cabinet colleagues. Do you know something? Well I'll tell you: if judges had to put up with some of my Cabinet colleagues, they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow! Bloody good thing, too!
[tries to interrupt] Well, exactly, Minister...
HackerAnd I'll tell you another thing: I can't send him [points at Sir Humphrey] to prison. Can't send him to prison! Now, if I were a judge, I could whiz old Humpy off to The Scrubs, no trouble. Feet wouldn't touch. Clang, bang, see you in three years' time! One-third remission for good conduct. But I can't do that! I have to listen to him! Oh, God! On and on and on! Do you know, some of his sentences are longer than Judge Jeffreys'! No, you don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws.
[Stunned pause]
Beautifully argued, Minister.
HackerWhat does "egregious" mean?
Um, I think it means outstanding... In one way or another.
HackerAsk Walter Fowler of The Express to meet me in the House tonight for a drink. Annie's bar.
What for, Minister?
HackerFirst law of political indiscretion: always have a drink before you leak.
HackerThe freedom of the British people is worth more than the lives of a few Ministers. Freedom is indivisible. Ministers are expendable. A man in public life must expect to be the target of cranks and fanatics. [Sliding into a Churchill impersonation.] It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught. He must be able to stand up and say, here I am, do your worst! And not cower in craven terror behind electronic equipment, secret microphones, and all the hideous apparatus of the police state. [He snaps back to his normal self.] Anyway, Humphrey, I don't want to hear any more about it.
But Minister, you must allow me to say just one more thing on this matter.
HackerVery well, just one, but be brief.
The Special Branch have found your name on a death list.
HackerThat has absolutely no bearing on the situation... What?!
[Bernard wheels in a petition from the archives against surveillance, containing more than two million signatures.]
Shall I file it?
HackerShall you file it? Shred it!
Shred it?
HackerNo one must ever be able to find it again!
In that case, Minister, I think it's best I file it.
[Sir Humphrey informs the Minister that the Special Branch no longer believe there is a threat to the Minister's life.]
HackerHow do they know?
Surveillance. They overheard a conversation.
HackerWhat did it say?
Oh I don't think it's of any particular—
Hacker[Interrupting] Come on, Humphrey! I have a right to know!
Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence within the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.
HackerThey said that?
That was the gist of it.
HackerWhat does it mean? In English?!
Well, it means that they don't think you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you.
Minister, a minister can do what he likes!
HackerIt's the people's will. I am their leader; I must follow them.
The people are ignorant and misguided.
HackerHumphrey, it's the people who elected me.
[smiles and nods]
HackerEurope is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.
[laughs moderately]
HackerMay we share the joke, Humphrey?
Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests, and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?
HackerTo strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.
Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.
HackerSo why did the French go into it, then?
Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.
HackerThat certainly doesn't apply to the Germans.
No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.
HackerI never heard such appalling cynicism! At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons.
Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in.
HackerVery sensible central location.
With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!
[The Minister and his subordinates discuss the rumoured Cabinet reshuffle.]
HackerHow does Basil Corbett know about it when we don't?
Perhaps he has the PM's ear.
HackerYes, he is in the PM's pocket.
Then the PM must have rather a large ear.
[Sir Humphrey claims he would be deeply sorry to see the Minister leave the DAA.]
HackerYes, I suppose we have got rather fond of one another. In a way.
[laughs] In a way, yes!
Hacker[jokingly] Like a terrorist and his hostage!
Which one of you is the terrorist?
[each points at the other] He is.
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