Bernard Woolley quotes from Yes, Minister

Bernard

So they are, railway trains are impartial too, but if you lay down the lines for them that's the way they go.

Bernard

But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know.

Sir Humphrey

No. They have a right to be ignorant. Knowledge only means complicity in guilt; ignorance has a certain dignity.

What's the difference?

Bernard

Well, "under consideration" means "we've lost the file"; "under active consideration" means "we're trying to find it".

Hacker

Bernard, this government is here to govern, not merely preside like our predecessors did. When a country is going downhill, it is time for someone to get into the driving seat, and put his foot on the accelerator.

Bernard Woolley

I think you mean the brake.

Hacker

I am still not happy with this report, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

Then, Minister, we shall be happy to redraft it for you.

Hacker

You've redrafted it three times already.

Bernard

That's not absolutely correct, Minister.

Hacker

Yes, it is, Bernard, I can count. This is the third draft report.

Bernard

It's quite so, Minister, therefore it's been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.

Hacker

Don't quibble, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey

But we shall be happy to redraft it a third time.

Hacker

And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, no doubt. And it still won't say what I want it to say, it'll say what you want it to say, and I want it to say what I want it to say.

Bernard

What do you want it to say, Minister?

Sir Humphrey

We want it to say what you want it to say.

Bernard

I'm sure the parliament doesn't want you to say anything you don't want to say.

Hacker

Stop wittering, Bernard! Six weeks ago, the Think Tank asked us for our evidence on Civil Service overmanning. Three times, I have briefed a group of civil servants in words of one syllable and each time, they've sent back a totally unintelligible report, saying the exact opposite of what I asked them to say.

Sir Humphrey

With respect, Minister, how do you know it says the opposite if it's totally unintelligible?

Hacker

All I am saying is that the Civil Service is grossly overmanned and must be slimmed down.

Sir Humphrey

Quite so. That is what the report says.

Hacker

No, it doesn't.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, it does, Minister.

Hacker

It - it does... Look, what I'm talking about is a phased reduction in the Civil Service of about 200,000 people. Are you going to put that in this report or not?

Sir Humphrey

Well, Minister, perhaps if you were to take that draft home with you this weekend and study it, you might find that it does, in fact, say what you want it to say.

Hacker

And if it doesn't?

Sir Humphrey

Then I can only suggest that we redraft it.

Hacker

Humphrey? Humphrey, sit down. (Humphrey sits in the chair opposite Hacker) Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalisations and vulgar oversimplifications, such as a simple yes or no. I shall do my utmost to oblige.

Hacker

Is that "yes"?

Sir Humphrey

(Takes a deep breath) Yes.

Hacker

Right. Well, here's the straight question.

Sir Humphrey

Oh, I thought that was it.

Hacker

When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is overmanned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer.

Sir Humphrey

Well, Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one time with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage.

Hacker

Is that "yes" or "no"?

Sir Humphrey

Yes and no.

Hacker

Suppose you weren't asked for a straight answer?

Sir Humphrey

Well then I should play for time, Minister.

[...] there are four words to be included in a proposal if you want it thrown out.

Sir Humphrey

Complicated. Lengthy. Expensive. Controversial. And if you want to be really sure that the Minister doesn't accept it, you must say the decision is "courageous".

Bernard

And that's worse than "controversial"?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, yes! "Controversial" only means "this will lose you votes". "Courageous" means "this will lose you the election"!

Sir Humphrey

You know the rules, Bernard - if it is not marked "Private and Confidential" we are obliged to open it.

Bernard

What if it's marked "Daddy"?

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents; they could be captured and tortured.

Bernard

[shocked] You mean by terrorists?

Sir Humphrey

[seriously] By the BBC, Bernard.

Hacker

You're blathering, Bernard.

Bernard

Yes, Minister.

Hacker

Why are you blathering, Bernard?

Bernard

It's my job, Minister.

Hacker

Well, what has Sir Arnold to fear, anyway? He's got all the honours he could want, surely?

Bernard

Well, naturally he has his G.

Hacker

G?

Bernard

Yes; you get your G after your K.

Hacker

You speak in riddles, Bernard.

Bernard

Well, take the Foreign Office. First you get the CMG, then the KCMG, then the GCMG; the Commander of the Order of St Michael and St George, Knight Commander of St Michael and St George, Knight Grand Cross of St Michael and St George. Of course, in the Service, CMG stands for "Call Me God," and KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God."

Hacker

[chuckles] What does GCMG stand for?

Bernard

"God Calls Me God."

Hacker

Ask Walter Fowler of The Express to meet me in the House tonight for a drink. Annie's bar.

Bernard

What for, Minister?

Hacker

First law of political indiscretion: always have a drink before you leak.

Bernard

Shall I file it?

Hacker

Shall you file it? Shred it!

Bernard

Shred it?

Hacker

No one must ever be able to find it again!

Bernard

In that case, Minister, I think it's best I file it.

What does "inert" mean?

Sir Humphrey

Well it means it's not… ert.

Bernard

[to himself] Wouldn't ert a fly.

Hacker

How does Basil Corbett know about it when we don't?

Sir Humphrey

Perhaps he has the PM's ear.

Hacker

Yes, he is in the PM's pocket.

Bernard

Then the PM must have rather a large ear.

Hacker

Yes, I suppose we have got rather fond of one another. In a way.

Sir Humphrey

[laughs] In a way, yes!

Hacker

[jokingly] Like a terrorist and his hostage!

Bernard

Which one of you is the terrorist?

[each points at the other] He is.