James Hacker quotes from Yes, Minister

Hacker

Are you saying that winking at corruption is government policy?

Sir Humphrey

No, no, Minister! It could never be government policy. That is unthinkable! Only government practice.

Hacker

You're a cynic, Humphrey!

Sir Humphrey

A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.

Hacker

Sir Mark thinks there might be votes in it, and I do not intend to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sir Humphrey

I put it to you, Minister, that you are looking a Trojan horse in the mouth.

Hacker

You mean if we look closely at this gift horse, we'll find it's full of Trojans?

Bernard

Um, if you had looked the Trojan Horse in the mouth, Minister, you would have found Greeks inside. Well, the point is that it was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans, so technically it wasn't a Trojan horse at all; it was a Greek horse. Hence the tag "timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", which, you will recall, is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as "beware of Greeks bearing gifts", or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.

Hacker

Yes, well, I'm sure Greek tags are all very well in their way; but can we stick to the point?

Bernard

Sorry, sorry: Greek tags?

Hacker

"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." I suppose the EEC equivalent would be "Beware of Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus".

Sir Humphrey

Excellent, Minister.

Bernard

No, well, the point is, Minister, that just as the Trojan horse was in fact Greek, what you describe as a Greek tag is in fact Latin. It's obvious, really: the Greeks would never suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle (bewaring that is). And it's clearly Latin, not because timeo ends in "-o", because the Greek first person also ends in "-o" – although actually there is a Greek word timao, meaning 'I honour'. But the "-os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek, and an accusative plural in Latin, of course, though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for 'Greek'; it's also the Latin for 'Greek'. It's very interesting, really.

Hacker

Last night a confidential source disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian red terrorist groups.

Sir Humphrey

I see. May I ask who this confidential source was?

Hacker

Humphrey, I just said it was confidential.

Sir Humphrey

Oh, I'm sorry. I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me.

Hacker

I'm trapped. I can't tell the PM, I can't not tell the PM.

Sir Humphrey

I see.

Bernard

I was just wondering, Minister, if we may not use the Rhodesia solution.

Sir Humphrey

Bernard! You excel yourself! Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia solution!

Hacker

What are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey

Oil sanctions, remember? A member of the government was told about the way British companies were sanction-busting.

Hacker

What did you do?

Bernard

He told the Prime Minister.

Hacker

What did he do?

Sir Humphrey

He told the Prime Minister in such a way that the Prime Minister didn't hear him.

Hacker

Would you mean I should mumble it or something in the division lobby?

Sir Humphrey

No, Minister, you write a note.

Hacker

In very faint pencil? Please, be practical.

Sir Humphrey

No, Minister, it's awfully obvious; you write a note which is susceptible to misinterpretation.

Hacker

Oh, I see. Dear Prime Minister, it has come to my attention that the Italian Red Terrorists are getting hold of British top secret bomb-making equipment—how do you misinterpret that?

Sir Humphrey

You can't.

Hacker

Well, exactly.

Sir Humphrey

So you don't write that. You use a more circumspect style, and you avoid any mention of bombs, or terrorists, or any of that.

Hacker

Wouldn't that be rather difficult? Is that what it's all about?

Sir Humphrey

You say—Bernard, write this down—My attention has been drawn, on a personal basis, to information which suggests the possibility of certain irregularities under Section... [snaps fingers]

Bernard

Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939 C.

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Bernard. You then go on to suggest that somebody else should do something about it. Prima facie evidence suggests that there could be a case for further investigation; to establish whether or not enquiries should be put in hand. And then you smudge it all over.

Sir Humphrey

Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited, and relevant facts could be difficult to establish with any degree of certainty.

Hacker

I see.

Sir Humphrey

Then, if there were an inquiry, you'd be in the clear, and everybody would understand that the busy PM might not have grasped the full implications of such a letter

Hacker

They certainly would; that's most unclear.

Sir Humphrey

Thank you, Minister. Then you arrange for the letter to arrive at Number 10 on the day the PM leaves for an overseas summit, so there's also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note. And so the whole thing is written off as a breakdown in communications, everybody's in the clear, and everybody can get on with their business.

Bernard

Including the Red Terrorists.

Sir Humphrey

Exactly.

Sir Humphrey

My job is to carry out government policy.

Hacker

Even if you think it's wrong?

Sir Humphrey

Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but… frightfully well carried out.

Hacker

Nothing wrong with subsidising sport. Sport is educational.

Sir Humphrey

We have sex education too. Should we subsidise sex, perhaps?

Bernard

[earnestly] Oh, could we?

Sir Humphrey

In addition to your existing responsibilities, you will be Cabinet Minister responsible for the Arts.

Hacker

[smiling] Eh? I say, that's rather good, isn't it? Hold on -- how do you know about this before I do?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary shortly after the decision was taken.

Hacker

[pleased] Cabinet Minister with the responsibility for the Arts, eh? Well well well!

Sir Humphrey

Yes indeed!

Hacker

Thank you for letting me know, Humphrey! Anything more? I'm just about to start a meeting.

Sir Humphrey

Oh, the meeting, yes. Now Minister, I do hope that you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject you're discussing.

Hacker

What, rescuing a football club?

Sir Humphrey

No, no, no; I was wondering how it would look if, as Cabinet Minister responsible for the Arts, your first action would be to knock down an art gallery.

I can't believe this! You mean I've got to go and tell the people back home that you've gone back on your word? I mean, it was your own idea!

Hacker

I mean, it's not me, it's the law!

Well, why didn't you find out until now?

Hacker

Well, um--

Hacker

[taking the paperwork in hand] Let me be absolutely frank with you. The truth is, it would be possible to push this through. Just possible. But it would take an awful long time.

Okay, take the time! We've spent enough!

Hacker

Yes, but the trouble is, you see, something else would have to go by the board. And the thing that's taking my time at the moment is forcing through this increase in councillor's expenses and attendance allowances. You see, I can't put my personal weight behind both schemes. I suppose I could forget about the increased allowances for councillors...

Hacker

...concentrate on the legal obstacles to the sale of the art gallery.

[in a less confrontational tone] Tricky things, legal obstacles.

Sir Humphrey

And this is a particularly tricky one.

And at the end of the day, you might still fail.

Hacker

Every possibility.

Well, if that's the way it is... [turns to one of his fellow councillors] There is a chance that we might want to close Edgehill Road Primary at the end of the year. That site should fetch a couple of million, give or take.

Well, there it is, then! No ill feelings, Jim! [shakes hands with the Minister]

Hacker

Good! And you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles?

Of course we will!

Ah, carry on with the good work, eh?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, Minister...a work of art.

Hacker

What will happen to him?

Sir Humphrey

Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one.

Hacker

By the end of next year, we shall be waving good-bye to the good old British sausage, and we'll be forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something in its place.

Bernard

They can't stop us eating the British sausage, can they?

Bernard

And you swallowed it?

Bernard

Minister, I've heard something quite different.

Hacker

What?

Bernard

That there is £1 million worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe, but of course it's only a rumour.

Hacker

Is that true?

Bernard

Oh, yes.

Hacker

So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!

Bernard

Are there?

Hacker

You just said there were.

Bernard

No, I didn't.

Hacker

Yes, you did! You said you'd heard this rumour, I said is it true, you said yes!

Bernard

I said yes, it was true that it was a rumour.

Hacker

You said you heard it was true!

Bernard

No, I said it was true that I heard it!

I'm sorry to cut into this important discussion, but do you believe it?

Hacker

I believe I heard it. Oh, about the diamonds. No.

Is it impossible?

Hacker

No, but it's never been officially denied. First rule in politics: never believe anything until it's officially denied.

Sir Humphrey

[Talking about his promotion] The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination.

Hacker

... I see.

Sir Humphrey

I'm... on my way out.

Hacker

What?

Sir Humphrey

There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store. When one passes on.

Hacker

[horrified] Passes on!?

Sir Humphrey

To pastures new, perhaps greener, and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us.

Hacker

Humphrey... I'm so sorry.

Sir Humphrey

Oh, thank you, Minister.

Hacker

Does Lady Appleby know?

Sir Humphrey

Well, she's suspected it for some time, apparently.

Hacker

When did they tell you?

Sir Humphrey

This afternoon.

Hacker

How long did they give you?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, just a few weeks...

Hacker

[horrified] A few weeks!?

Sir Humphrey

Well, it'll give me enough time to sort everything out.

Hacker

[his eyes filling with tears] Oh Humphrey, you're so terribly brave.

Sir Humphrey

Well, one is a little anxious of course. One is always rather wary of the unknown, but I have faith somehow I'll muddle through.

Sir Humphrey

Minister, what is the matter?

Hacker

I am sorry, Humphrey. Just, well we had our ups and downs.

Sir Humphrey

Oh Minister, do not take on so. We will still be seeing one another regularly. Yes, once a week at least.

Hacker

What??

Sir Humphrey

I have not told you where I am going yet. I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.

Hacker

Secretary to the Cabinet?

Sir Humphrey

What did you think I meant?

Hacker

I thought, I..., I....

Hacker

But supposing somebody would say "Does that mean you refuse to stand?" You know how these media people try to trap you.

Sir Humphrey

Well, Minister, it's not my place, but on previous occasions, a generally acceptable answer has been "While one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country. And if one's friends were to persuade one that that was the best way one could serve, one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever one's own private wishes might be."

Hacker

[taking notes] "...private wishes might be." yes, I think I've got that.

Hacker

One of your officials pays farmers to produce surplus food, while on the same floor, the next office is paying them to destroy the surpluses.

That is not true!

Hacker

No?

He is not in the next office, not even on the same floor!