Do you have any idea what you have put me through this week? Do you have any idea what I've been going through since last Sunday? Because of you guys... no, it was you guys that lost to Kurt Angle's team last Sunday at Survivor Series. Because of you guys, I tapped out to Chris Benoit. Because of you guys, I have to listen to those people say, "You tapped out! You tapped out!" Do you realize... you don't have any idea how degrading that is! (grabs WWE championship belt) I'm the WWE Champion! Get a good look at that! Maybe someday, you'll become it if you step up to the plate! I'm the WWE Champion and I deserve some respect around here! And respect is what I'm gonna get. I've spoken to Paul Heyman to address this issue. Tonight, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones, A-Train, Big Show, each one of you guys is gonna get a chance to redeem yourself for what you did last Sunday. Starting off with my first problem, a guy, no, a problem that has been messing with me this entire week, Chris Benoit. Tonight, Chris Benoit is gonna face (pointing Nathan Jones) you, Nathan Jones. That's right, Nathan. What do you think about that? Huh? Yeah!
You are one ugly bastard, you know that? That's what I like about you. Tonight, I want you to take Chris Benoit and squish him like the parasite that he is. And to make sure of that, it will be me standing in your corner. All right? Now, on to my second problem, (turning to Big Show) John Cena, the guy that pinned you, Big Show, last Sunday to gain the victory for Kurt Angle's team. The guy that took you, a 500-pound, seven-foot tall giant, picked him up over his head and gave you the FU.
Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh?
I'm giving you John Cena.
Well, good. Good. You got John Cena tonight. Now get the hell out of my face! You guys disgust me!
KKane
I came here tonight to give a eulogy for my brother, the Undertaker, the man that I buried alive at Survivor Series. But I can't do that. The truth is, the man that we knew as the Undertaker, has been dead for a long time. My brother and I used to share a common bond, we were monsters, we lived to strike fear into the hearts of normal men, THAT was who we were. But my brother, the Undertaker, committed the most unpardonable of all sins: He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!
DMDawn Marie
Paul, when are you gonna give me the cover of SmackDown! Magazine like you promised? [door opens]
Dawn, take a walk, now! [Chris Benoit has entered Heyman's office, laughing] I uh, I suppose you're proud of yourself, huh?
Well, for someone who wasn't even supposed to be in the Royal Rumble, you may be looking at the next winner of the Royal Rumble. No, no in fact, you're looking at the next WWE Champion.
See, Chris, I think this, this is the time that you and I should have a man-to-man talk.
Because you see, there is a difference between me and everybody that comes to see SmackDown! live.
They're working grunts. Me, I'm management. You have nothing, nothing that differs you between you and everybody that comes to SmackDown! because you're just like everybody else, Chris. You're a working stiff. You're a common working man. You're a working grunt for management like me. See Chris, people like you, they get stopped dead in their tracks by people like me. Sometimes you get stopped because of injury. Sometimes you get stopped because of fate. Well, my friend, at the Royal Rumble, you get stopped by management. Oh you can scratch, and you can claw, and you can work your way to the top, like everybody out there pursuing the American Dream, but you know what happens, Chris? People like me stop people like you! You give up time with your family, you take time away from your wife and your children to be number one. Well, Chris, I'm gonna make you number one! But not the number one at being the WWE Champion, no my friend. I'm gonna make you number one, 'cause you are the number one entrant into the Royal Rumble! You're number one! You're the first guy that will be in the Royal Rumble! 29 OTHER PEOPLE COME AFTER YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! [Benoit grabs Heyman's hand]
DO I UNDERSTAND YOU?! DO I UNDERSTAND YOU?!
MY WIFE, MY KIDS, MY SACRIFICES? You understand me, I will win the Royal Rumble, I will be the next WWE Champion, and you won't, you'll never, break my will!
JMJosh Mathews
Mr. Heyman, now with all due respect, how did you feel last week --
Respect? Respect?! There is no more respect, Josh! There's no respect for authority! There's no respect for the English language! There's no more respect for the general manager of SmackDown!, Paul Heyman! Now is there?! And that's all thanks to that thug, John Cena and Chris Benoit. That all changes tonight, 'cause tonight is the start of a whole new SmackDown!. And I'll tell you why, Josh. I look at the leadership of Vince McMahon, who took this industry out of the dirty, smoking bingo hall and brought sports entertainment to beautiful brand new arenas. John Cena and Chris Benoit have ruined SmackDown!. They appeal to the lowest common denominator, and I'm gonna upgrade the demographic here. I am gonna present SmackDown! to first-class high society, an all-American network presentation, under the leadership of Paul Heyman. You know and I know that this industry was founded on the puritanical values, the morals of the United States of America! The same morals, the same values that John Cena and Chris Benoit violate with their thuggery and their hip-hop, and their rap, so tonight, we're gonna change all that. Because tonight, Chris Benoit and John Cena will compete in that very ring against the team of Rhyno, and Matt Morgan, and The Big Show, the United States Heavyweight Champion, and Brock Lesnar, the WWE Champion! And I'm gonna be there ringside to watch these four men decimate John Cena and Chris Benoit and show the world that the very last person you ever wanna mess with is named Paul Heyman.
I'm not even supposed to be here tonight. Paul Heyman told me that I could have the night off, but I just couldn't stay home. I have too much pride. That WWE Championship meant too much to me, I can't stay home. That championship was my life. Unlike Eddie Guerrero, who doesn't appreciate the damn thing at all. Eddie's probably, Eddie's probably gonna go out and, Eddie's probably gonna go out and pawn that thing off anyways. That's just how it is, and Eddie doesn't deserve that title. That title was everything to me. I mean, I'm an All-American kind of guy. I was a great WWE Champion and I don't understand why that you people can treat me like this. I can't believe it. I'm a great U.S. citizen. I'm an outstanding, I'm an outstanding guy. I'm an NCAA champion. I was, in my heart, I believe, the greatest WWE Champion in history. I mean, Eddie Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero is a lying, cheating, champion. That's exactly how Eddie won my title! Eddie Guerrero capitalized on Bill Goldberg! Eddie Guerrero STOLE MY TITLE! Eddie Guerrero might be the champion, but I guarantee it Eddie, your day will come and Brock Lesnar will become the WWE Champion once again. But, Bill Goldberg, I got a score to settle with you! It was because of you, Bill, is why I lost my WWE title! Because of you, Bill, my life hasn't been the same! Because of you, Bill, I can't sleep at night! Bill Goldberg, you're gonna feel the pain! Bill Goldberg, I'm gonna break you in half! That's what I'm gonna do, Bill! So Vince, Mr. McMahon, I know you're listening to me right now, and I know you're gonna see this, I don't care, I don't care what Stone Cold Steve Austin thinks. I don't care what Paul Heyman thinks. I don't care what Eric Bischoff thinks. Mr. McMahon, I'm begging you. I am begging you, Mr. McMahon. No wait, [Lesnar hesitates, then gets on his knees] Mr. McMahon, I'm begging you from the bottom of my heart, please, please at Wrestlmania XX, I'm begging you, at Wrestlemania XX, give me Brock Lesnar versus Goldberg!
Orale, say hello to my little friend! Now before I have my match with Shelton Benjamin, I'd like to address Mr. Kurt Angle. [crowd boos] Orale Kurt, you're telling me that you didn't show up tonight homes, that you're not here. Do you really think I'm buying that, ese vato? I mean come on Kurt, come on out here homes! Orale vato loco! This is your chance, homes! I know you're back there, ese! This is your chance homes! What are you waiting for, I mean this is your opportunity to get rid of the Eddie Guerrero of the world. This is your chance to save SmackDown! homes. I mean come on bro, after all, I'm the only WWE Champion in the history, that encourages or sends out a message to kids to lie, cheat, and steal homes! This is your chance to play hero, Mr. Angle! Where are you ese? I get it homes. I get it. You got (bleep) ese. Yeah see Kurt, orale homes, all the talk that you do is exactly that ese. You talk. You talk about being justified. You talk about being holy. You talk the talk ese, but you don't walk the walk ese. Who do you think you're fooling ese? Do you think you're fooling them? Do you think you're fooling me? Kurt Angle, [crowd chants "Eddie"] Orale homes! I mean come on ese! I'm an addict! I'm a bad influence! This is your chance Kurt, to come and make things right! Stop being around a bush ese, and come out here and get your (bleep) kicked by Latino Heat! Yeah Kurt, this doesn't surprise me ese. You know Kurt, you've done a lot of talking, that's right, Angle does suck. You've done a lot of talking ese. But now Kurt, it's time to put up and shut up man. WrestleMania XX, you promise the world that you're gonna walk in WrestleMania XX and save SmackDown! and save WWE from Eddie Guerrero. Well I got one promise to you Kurt. After I beat you at WrestleMania XX homes, I promise I'm gonna lie more than ever, I'm gonna steal more than ever, and I'm gonna cheat more than ever! Orale, viva la raza!
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Damn y'all are alive tonight! [crowd chants "Cena"] This is my home. This is where I'm from. Y'all are my peoples. Hell, I used to buy tickets for the old Boston Garden. I could only afford the cheap ones where I was sitting right behind the pole. But that's real, and we gotta kick this off real. Now is Beantown here to represent?
So let me hear the whole building make some noise! [crowd cheers] You see, uh, at WrestleMania, Big Show didn't think I was a fighter. I put him on an FU diet. He came out ten pounds lighter. The SmackDown! video games are only way he could me. I bring championships home like my name was Tom Brady. But there's some people out there, that think I disgraced this title's heritage. [crowd boos] That's 'cause your boy's causing more controversies than gay marriages. Cole, Cole, no offense bro, we still cool right? [Tazz laughs]
All right bro. All right. Plus, the FCC is crackin' down on me too. [crowd boos] Man, those people suck! Just like the Yankees do. [crowd cheers, then chants "Yankees suck"] But I'm still throwin' the W up, changing the whole industry, I'm like the big dick bro. Nobody can finish me.
John Cena all fired up tonight.
His first U.S. title defense, [Paul Heyman's music hits]
Wait a minute, that's not Cena's opponent.
The hell? [Paul Heyman comes out]
That's our general manager, Paul Heyman. Leave it to Heyman to ruin a great homecoming.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. [crowd boos] The rumors are true. Brock Lesnar is no longer with Paul Heyman's SmackDown!. Brock Lesnar has left World Wrestling Entertainment. But for you John, that could be good news, because now that Brock Lesnar's gone, there's a whole world of opportunity for any SmackDown! superstar that wants to grab it. Which means you John, could be the new face of SmackDown!. But it doesn't have to be that way. You see, this coming Monday, live in Detroit, Michigan, every ungrateful member of that Paul Heyman's SmackDown! locker room will be at Monday Night Raw, including you John. And by order of the chairman of the board, Mr. McMahon, the representative of Raw is gonna pick out names. And if a member of the SmackDown! locker room happens to be one of those names, then that member of SmackDown! goes to Raw. And if I, John, happen to pick out a name of a Raw superstar, then that Raw superstar gets drafted to Paul Heyman's brand new SmackDown!. You see John, if I were one of the superstars, if I were in that locker room tonight, I would get down on my hands and my knees and I would pray to God that I get drafted to Monday Night Raw because those that get left behind are going to incur the wrath of Paul Heyman. So let me spell this out for you so that even you can understand it John. I'm very stressed out. I got stunned by Stone Cold because of that locker room, AND I WANT EVERY MEMBER OF MY LOCKER ROOM GONE! I WANT YOU OFF OF MY SHOW! YOU CONTEMPTIBLE PIECE OF BOSTON CRAP! [slaps Cena]
DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M FINISHED WITH YOU! I'm, I'm gonna -- [tries to hit Cena but Cena blocks]
Uh-oh! [Cena knocks out Heyman]
And a right hand to the jaw of Heyman!
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
If you'll listen, I'll explain to you what happened last week. Because I really feel that I was horribly, horribly misunderstood. [crowd boos] Oh come on. If you'll just listen to me, you'll understand and you'll appreciate the fact that what I did was the right thing. You see, Ron Simmons, you don't understand, he's my best friend. He always has been. We've drank more beer, and we've been up more roads than most of you people ever imagine. So when Paul Heyman quit Monday night on Raw, I knew this was my chance. I knew this was my chance to get Ron's job back. I knew this was my chance to make sure that the APA stayed in business. [crowd cheers] But I'm not gonna do that. [crowd boos] Listen, I'm explaining, please! I've got a lot more than just wrestling going on. I appreciate everything that Ron Simmons has done for me. I appreciate years and years of friendship. But I've got a portfolio that has beat the stock market seven out of the last seven years! That is phenomenal. I've got a financial book by Simon & Schuster out, and I'm writing another book right now on keeping America strong. I've got a radio show that starts May 1, we're gonna talk about politics. We're gonna talk about finances. You people are gonna love this radio show. I have become the top financial analyst on network TV. Fox News loves to have me on. I could not, I simply could not walk away from all that I've got.
You people - get off your high horse! - you people would have done the exact same thing that I did, given the opportunity. If you'd have been in my shoes, which you're not, you people would have done the same thing. You see, it's time that you people quit listening to your little Sunday school fairy tales. It's time you start listening to a guy like Prince Machiavelli, who will tell you that there is no wrong and there is no right in society, that people do things because they want something back. There is simple cause and effect. You see, I understand that.
That is why people like me are people that run businesses. People like me are people that run industries. People like me are people that run governments. I have - the only thing I sold was stock about two weeks ago before terrorism scared the market, and I made a hell of a lot of money, so you can stop the "you sold out" chants right now. I have always been smarter, I have always been better, and I have always worked harder than anybody else around me. That is why I have always been considered an impact player. My picture hangs in my old high school. My picture hangs in my old college. Look it up, it's a matter of history. I don't have to pad my résumé. Normal people are astounded by my résumé because normal people never let their dreams get beyond their front door because they are scared of failure. I have never been scared of failure, and I have never failed. I have succeeded in everything but one thing and that is wrestling. Because I thought it was more important to have a good time. To drink beer, to play cards, to visit our troops. What I wanna tell you something, that's good and fine, but that ain't got me jack. So something speaks to happen around here. You're fixing to see an impact. And if you know anything about history you know this: what I say I do, and what I do, I do very, very well. So get ready for the impact that's coming. Buckle your seats, boys and girls. Business is about to pick up.
Well ladies and gentlemen, as we promised, from New York City, John "Bradshaw" Layfield. [crowd boos]
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
You hear that response, Michael Cole? Do you? It's like somehow for some reason, those people there in your live audience think in some way, somehow I was responsible for what happened to Eddie Guerrero's mother?
Well Bradshaw, we have seen the footage. Let's just get right to the point. Why would you engage in such despicable actions on a night when Eddie Guerrero and his family were honoring the matriarch of the Guerrero family? What prompted you to commit such an act as to manhandle a woman of her age and cause her to have a heart attack?
Whoa whoa whoa right there. Manhandle? Pick your words a little more carefully. The only person I manhandled was Eddie Guerrero. I quietly, simply, and politely asked the old lady Guer -- Mrs. Guerrero to leave the ring so that I could finish my business with her little baby boy, Eddie.
Bradshaw, no disrespect, but "politely"? I didn't see anything polite about you causing a, a woman to have a heart attack.
Causing a heart attack? Watch your accusations Michael Cole. Now these people may like having 18 to 20 of them living in the same house. And that may be fine with them. But that doesn't mean you bring your ever little snot-nosed kid and 100-year-old grandmother into the ring. That is my place of business. It was not bring your family to work day. Eddie Guerrero had no right, ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT, bringing his family to the ring.
Well I, John, Bradshaw, not for nothing I mean, don't you think you owe the Guerrero family an apology at the very least?
You've got to be kidding me, Tazz! To who? To Eddie? To some elderly lady who's already outlived her days here on this Earth? Eddie Guerrero put his family in harm's way. That's his business. But if he does that, then he has to take responsibility. Eddie has to take responsibility for the circumstances and what happens, the consequences.
Well and Bradshaw, i - is that why you're not here tonight in Tucson? Because you don't wanna face the circumstances?
You watch your mouth, Michael Cole. You hear me? There is a reason I'm in New York City. I am a businessman. I work for CNBC, the most respected financial news network in the world. That is why I'm in New York. You see if I was there, the hothead that Eddie Guerrero has proved that he is, would probably do something dumb. And he would get hurt. So what I'm doing is, I'm giving Eddie a reprieve. A gift. But next week I will be there. And May 16, at Judgment Day, Los Angeles, I damn sure will be there because that is the day, the very day, you mark it down, that John "Bradshaw" Layfield becomes the new WWE Champion. You know as a matter of fact Michael Cole, now that I think about it, I don't think the old lady had a heart attack at all. I think she faked every single bit of it.
You gotta be kidding me. Faking it?
Think about it Michael Cole, she's a Guerrero. She didn't teach her kid the ABC's. She taught him to lie, cheat, and steal. It was bred into him. A star was made into its purest form. I was bred for success. That's why you are interviewing me. I'm gonna come there and I can beat up Eddie Guerrero for free. But I'm gonna wait for the pay-per-view. You see, that's good business. That's smart business. My parents bred me for success. My people came to this country in a boat. Not an inner tube! Michael Cole, this interview, just like Eddie Guerrero's title reign, has ended.
[John "Bradshaw" Layfield is disgusted at the unkempt appearance of the Nassau Coliseum and wants his limo driver to drive him back to New York City]
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
A rich man don't work when a rich man don't want to. Let's go driver. I look way too good not to be in New York City tonight. Let's go! [signals intercom] Hey, let's go! [no response] Idiot! Who hired these morons [tries again and opens partition] Hey, moron, I said let's go! Take me back to New York City now!
DDriver
New York City? [driver takes off his hat revealing it's Eddie Guerrero]
Órale Holmes! We ain't going to New York City, but we are going for a ride. And it's gonna be better than Disneyland, órale Holmes - hey, does this, have any any hydraulics? [presses button and partition goes back up] Yeah, ha, vato loco.
What do you mean hydraulics?!?! Get me out of here, idiot, you're stealing my... [tries to pound windows and open the door, but they're all locked]
GGuerrero
[as JBL jabbers at the back] It's time! [drives off]
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
Thank you. Thank you very much. As our late great former President Ronald Reagan once said, it's morning again in America! It's the dawn of a new era. The John "Bradshaw" Layfield era. And I promise to this, to all of my fans. I will become the most popular WWE Champion of all time. I know, I know how America loves a winner. And America, I will give you that love back. I will shake hands with you, America. All of my fans. Of course I prefer a, nod of recognition for no other reasons than sanitary reasons of course, I mean, shaking hands, you can get germs, and honestly you don't want your champion getting sick now, do you? And for those of you who insist on shaking my hand, I want to tell you, don't be offended by the fact that I will take out a little hand sanitizer. [rubs his hands with hand sanitizer as the crowd chants "Eddie"]
The Eddie chants begin here in Fayetteville.
Because I want you to know folks, it's not personal. It's just personal hygiene. Because I will kiss your babies. As long of course if, if they don't smell bad, they don't spit up or they don't have runny noses. And I want you fans to get to know me, okay? I prefer to be called Mr. Bradshaw. But if you wanna be familiar with me, you can call me Champion. Or Champ! Because I am the WWE Champion. You see, after Ronald Reagan passed away, and John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King were taken from us, at such an early age, what you need America, is a champion. I am proud, I am proud to be your champion. So I don't mind you saying it, you can say it now if you want. JBL. JBL. Come on. JBL. JBL. JBL. Because that will inspire me, that will inspire me to be the fighting champion that I will be, unlike Eddie Guerrero. You see, I went into Kurt Angle's office and I looked him in the eye, and I said, Mr. Angle, I want a fight tonight. I don't want to rest to my morals as champion. I want to defend this WWE Championship, and not just against anybody, but against somebody who was at The Great American Bash. And I plan on defending this tonight. Right here. Right here in, right here in, [walks over to a ringside technician] right here in Fayetteville, North Carolina! And Mr. Angle told me that I can choose the person that I want to defend my championship against. As long as that person was not Eddie Guerrero. Because, quite honestly, I feel like Eddie's fallen off the wagon. Right now, Eddie's not here. If he were here, he'd walk in this ring like a man, shake my hand, and tell me the better man won last Sunday. But he won't do that, because Eddie Guerrero, right now, I'm sad to say is probably knee deep in a bottle of pills, or knee deep in a bottle of vodka. And it hurts me very very badly. It pained me to know that you had a champion that you people were ashamed of. Be ashamed no more, because the era of John "Bradshaw" Layfield has arrived. And I promise you this, I vow, no wait, I guarantee, I guaranteed victory at Judgment Day, and I guaranteed I would be the new WWE Champion at The Great American Bash. So I now guarantee to you, my fellow Americans, that I will be a champion that you can be proud of. Thank you, and God bless America.
There has been a lot of talk about my actions last week on SmackDown!. I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddie Guerrero, who I despise, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE Championship, I sucked it up, set aside my pain, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen. I did the impossible. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I do. And sure, afterwards, I regressed, my doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapists told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's SmackDown!. Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men, like John Cena, are stripped of the U.S. Championship. Where men, like John "Bradshaw" Layfield, stand tall as the WWE Champion. A SmackDown! where Eddie Guerrero becomes obsolete. That's right, Eddie! [hears "Eddie" chants] You see, Eddie Guerrero, what he did was wrong. But I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give Eddie Guerrero a chance tonight to keep his job because what he did, I could fire Eddie on the spot. But I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But, there's one thing that Eddie Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here and he has to convince me to keep his job, provided that he begs for it. If Eddie Guerrero gets on his knees and begs in front of me for his job back, I promise, as general manager of SmackDown!, I will let him keep his job. But it's got to be good and it's got to be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talking about. [Turns to Tony Chimel] Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone.
[Tony Chimel enters the ring]
In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own, Tony Chimel. [audience cheers] Mr. Chimel is a great significance to me because he was the ring announcer at my last match, WrestleMania XX. The match where Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over and over again in my head is Tony Chimel, with a smile on his face, announcing, "And the winner is Eddie Guerrero!" Now, Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you cheat, you don't win which makes you a liar. And in my book, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you saying I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel. I could fire you on the spot. But I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Knees. On your knees.
[getting on his knees] Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please, just let me keep my job. Please.
Are you kidding me? You call that begging? Say it like you mean it!
Mr. Angle, please. Please, I have a wife and three kids. I just... just wanna have my job, please.
All right, all right, all right. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was really good, but not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED! [audience boos] NOW, GET OUT OF MY RING! GO, NOW!
[Tony Chimel leaves the ring]
I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But don't worry, people, because someone will be begging for their job tonight. And that man is Eddie Guerrero.
FFunaki
This is Funaki, SmackDown! number one announcer! Tonight, I'm here Kurt Angle's office reporting on the very special announcement. Okay, Kurt.
Excuse me, if you're done butchering my language, I brought you in here because finally, there's someone here on SmackDown!, a superstar that I can be proud of, and his name is Booker T. Booker, will you please join me? [Booker T enters] Now, Book, you're everything I want in a superstar here on SmackDown!. You're professional, you're a sharp dresser, and nothing would make me prouder than to present you with the United States Championship. [showing the United States Championship belt]
You're kidding me, right?
No. [lifting Funaki's arm]
You talking about making me, Booker T, the United States Champion tonight? That's what you're saying, man.
[Booker T tries to take the belt]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Yes and no. Now, now, listen, Book.
Technically, I can't do it just yet, but immediately after the show, I'm gonna have a meeting with the members of the board, and by next week, you'll be the new United States Champion. But tonight, just for old time sakes, I'm gonna let you hold the title.
You're letting me hold the title?
[Kurt Angle gives Booker T the United States Championship belt]
Hey, I appreciate that, Kurt Angle. [Kurt Angle applauds] Thank you, man.
[Booker T shakes Kurt Angle's hand]:
You are welcome. You are welcome.
[Booker T leaves the office]
FFunaki
Hey, Mr. Angle, that's not fair! That's not fair!
Not fair? You're telling me it's not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair. The fact that you're a broadcast journalist and you can't even say "broadcast journalist". Go ahead, try and say it.
FFunaki
I'm a SmackDown!...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not number one announcer, say "broadcast journalist".
[Funaki struggles to say "broadcast journalist" then Kurt Angle grabs the microphone]
You know what? You're a disgrace to this microphone. You're a disgrace to my SmackDown!. And, Funaki, I'll tell you what's fair, YOU'RE FIRED! [takes Funaki's microphone] Now, get out! What are you doing? Get out of my office!
[Funaki leaves the office]
