Juan Epstein quotes from Welcome Back, Kotter

Horshack

A woman is a sometime thing.

Epstein

She'll take your heart and give it a fling.

Horshack

But when true love runs off its course...

Epstein

Then she'll sue you for divorce.

Kotter

All right, Epstein, come on. Let's have it so we can get to work.

Epstein

What?

Kotter

One of your famous notes that'll read something like, 'Please excuse Juan for being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in Hyannis Port.' Signed...

Epstein's mother!

Epstein

Hey, I got an idea, listen to this. ISB.

Kotter

ISB?

Epstein

In-School Betting. Yeah. It's about time we get bettin' off the streets, into the school here, where it belongs! [Sweathogs cheer]

Kotter

Are you kiddin'? I'll lay you 5-2 that'll never happen.

Freddie

I'll take that bet.

Kotter

You guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery! It's five to ten!

Epstein

[holding an alarm clock] Nah, its ten to ten.

Freddie

Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as... creative borrowing.

Freddie

[to Vinnie] You got as much chance being a priest as I do gettin' the lead in the school production of Snow White.

Epstein

Yeah, and Freddie was the best one who read for the part. But, me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.

Horshack

Yeah. Guess who's gonna play Dopey?

Kotter

If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.

Kotter

Epstein, take the stand.

Epstein

Do I gotta?

That's right. This court does not recognize notes from your mother.

Kotter

[to Carvelli] Hey! Enough of this lip service here. I came here for some action! Who's the first guy that wants to lose control of his face?

Epstein

[to Kotter] Will you cool it?

Who is that guy?

Freddie

Him? He's our teacher.

[about Kotter] Teacher? This is a tough school.

That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

Woodman

I'm not a punk; I'm the vice principal.

Vice principal? This is a tough school.

Kotter

What are you trying to do to me, Epstein? I know the man's handwriting. This note is legitimate!

Epstein

Well, in baseball, it's called a change-up, you know? Keeps the hitter guessin'!

Kotter

I had to decide whether or not I was gonna let junk food rule my life.

Epstein

Well, what'd you do?

Kotter

I went cold turkey.

Epstein

Cold turkey?

Kotter

That's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothin' but cold turkey!

Woodman

Now, now, now, Juan, you hot-blooded young turk!

Epstein

I'm a Puerto Rican Jew!

Woodman

Same thing. Your blood is hot.

Epstein

Miss Holzgang said we could draw our favorite thing, so I drew this bea-utiful girl! Oh!

Horshack

I drew a picture of a cheese Whopper.

Freddie

Yeah, and I drew a picture of Arnold getting heartburn.

Vinnie

And I drew a picture of me.

Woodman

Teaching this class is about as much fun as root canal work.

Epstein

I thought all the routes to your canal dried up a long time ago!

Kotter

Epstein, what's that satchel for?

Epstein

It's for the money. What am I gonna do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?

Freddie

Hey, Juan, um, they gonna give us a check.

Epstein

Oh, no, I don't take checks. Checks bounce.

Kotter

Well, this one's gonna be from New York State.

Epstein

Especially those!

Barbarino

You know what I think? I think that we moved the furniture and we worked very hard. I think it's Miller time.

Epstein

Well, we got the time. Who's got the beer?

Epstein

How'd you figure it was Cavelli, pop?

Kotter

Ah, good question, number one son. Old Chinese proverb: Man who try to pull wool over eyes wind up with sheep on face.