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United States of Al quotes

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United States of Al
All S1

S1 E15Unfinished Business

Wow. You're good.

BBrett

Would you think more or less of me if I told you I came last night to practice?

You practiced for our date?

BBrett

I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a real artist.

Smart. This vase I'm making, gonna sell it for $300,000.

BBrett

Oh, darn, I only have $100,000 on me.

Oh, this is awkward. I thought I was dating a rich guy.

BBrett

You ever think about doing this professionally?

I did, for a long time. But honestly, I'm worried it would lose some of the joy, if it were my job.

BBrett

That makes sense.

Besides, I kind of like working for my dad. But if you tell him, I'll deny it.

BBrett

That's great that you have that self-awareness. Most people are oblivious.

Oblivious? Is that your professional assessment as a psychologist?

BBrett

Uh, no. The technical term is "stupid". I was just trying to class it up.

What are you into outside of work?

BBrett

Well, doing pottery with pretty girls is kind of my thing right now. And there's my punk band.

You have a punk band?

BBrett

Yes.

You?

BBrett

Yes. I may look like a mild-mannered college professor, but every Thursday at 4:00 PM, I am a guitar-smashing maniac. I don't actually smash it. I just kind of lift it above my head, then put it down gently.

And what is this pretend band called?

BBrett

It is not pretend. It is me and several other psychology professors, and we are called "Rage Against the Dean".

And do you wear punk makeup? Eyeliner, blue lipstick?

BBrett

No, just a little zinc oxide on my nose when we play outside. Oh, and a hat. I have a really cool hat.

[Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks.]

Never had a lesson.

BBrett

So, great. For fun, maybe you could try keeping a beat. Sort of.

[Brett drums the buckets with his hands.]

That's what I was doing. But, okay.

BBrett

And, uh, Lizzie, can you give me sort of a...

[Brett vocalizes with his voice. Lizzie plays the keyboard with her hands.]

BBrett

Love it, love it. Okay. You guys ready to blow the lid off this dump? I'm sorry. It's actually, it's a lovely house. 1, 2, 3, 4!

[Brett plays the bass guitar, Lizzie plays the keyboard, and Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks. Hazel knocks down the buckets with her hands.]

Whoo! Thank you, Columbus! We are Hazel and the Old People!

[final lines]

Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?

Can we not have the kale conversation?

I like iceberg.

I know.

It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.

I know.

Check it out. Boom!

[The tattoo reads: "Holly".]

Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

Because it's awesome.

Does she know about this?

No, it's a surprise.

Big surprise.

Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.

No, it's romantic.

No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.

Why are you the enemy of romance?

I want her to know I'm crazy about her.

Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.

You don't know her like I do.

She's cool, laid-back and independent.

Okay. You know her a little.

And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.

It does.

Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.

Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.

Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.

I tried to talk him out of it.

I just want to make sure you're not compromising stuff that matters because you're hurting.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's United States of Al pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.