I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.
That's a weird thing to imagine, but you're not wrong.
So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic?
Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.
RileyYou could not do 100 pull-ups.
I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.
Riley
My record's 30.
Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.
Riley, this is not about you. It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.
You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.
Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.
Where are you heading with this, Al?
I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable. You own your own business. You have a home. You have many skills.
You can fall asleep standing up.
Riley
You can open a beer with your teeth.
And you know many jokes. I don't get most of them. But, I sense they are funny.
Riley
Champ.
Riley
I think you've had enough, buddy.
I'm just gonna turn this down a little, so we can talk.
[Lizzie turns the radio off.]
Riley
Look, man. I know you're hurting, but she's one girl. Okay? You got to get back out there.
Why? You've been out there for months, and all you have to show for it is a mysterious rash.
Riley
It's a detergent sensitivity. What I'm saying is, it's a numbers game.
Even you don't believe that, Riley. The love of your life is gone, and you chase a mirage every night. It is a fool's errand.
Riley
Okay. I'm tagging out. You're up!
You've had a week, haven't you?
Riley
Not as bad as Al's.
[Riley turns the TV on with his remote.]
NNewsman
Breaking news, the Browns' season is already in peril because they're now down 2 defensive backs.
Riley
Oh, this is perfect. This is breaking news, America!
Hey, why don't we just turn this off?
Riley
No! No, how's Cleveland supposed to win? I mean, Cleveland is screwed.
Riley
We got to do something! Cleveland is running out of options! I got to tell everybody, they got to know!
[Vanessa turns the TV off with her remote.]
Hey. This is bigger than you. And don't worry. The Browns' secondary is deep.
Riley
You know why I think I'm so good at this?
Because I'm doing most of the work.
Riley
When I was in 7th grade, a couple of us used to hang out at the gas station tonight. We wait for someone to go in and buy cigarettes or lottery tickets. They leave their car running. We hop in, drive around the block, ditch the car, and leave.
Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?
Can we not have the kale conversation?
It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.
Riley
Check it out. Boom!
[The tattoo reads: "Holly".]
Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?
Riley
Yeah.
Oh, my God. Why did you do that?
Riley
Because it's awesome.
Does she know about this?
Riley
No, it's a surprise.
Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Riley
No, it's romantic.
No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.
Why are you the enemy of romance?
Riley
I want her to know I'm crazy about her.
Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.
Riley
You don't know her like I do.
She's cool, laid-back and independent.
Riley
Okay. You know her a little.
And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.
Riley
It does.
Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.
Riley
Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.
Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.
I tried to talk him out of it.
Riley
You are going to kill it in Vegas.
We are going to kill it in Vegas. Roller coasters, magic shows, and all-you-can-eat buffets. It's like a city designed by a 14-year-old boy.
Riley
48 miles an hour?! Come on, Al!
[Final lines of the series]
United States of Al · 55 quotes
