So, I'm the one who's delusional!
Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!)
S1Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation
Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation!
Yes, we're all aware of that.
(grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going.
Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale?
Listen, pal, I've had a really bad day!
Join the club!
Hey, you want a piece of me, huh?
(Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress.
Berg!
Klingons! (To Pete) Bones!
Idiot!
Berg, get out here, right now!
Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help.
I screwed up big time.
Finally! An accurate diagnosis.
You're scared because you might finally care about something.
Then why do I screw up?
Because you're Berg!
When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks.
"Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job.
I got the job? How can that be?
It's right here: Loved your designs. Hate your friends.
How come you didn't tell me they called last night?
Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa!
(Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man!
S1Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy
(to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack".
Guys' night out.
I'm a guy!
You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf.
We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!"
Exercising the First Amendment.
When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man."
I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie."
What does Sharon do?
Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!"
Oh Berg, no more medical experiments.
Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch.
Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
(squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue!
Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office!
Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, soda? Come on!
Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.