CCounselor
This support group is for people who are so woke that they are finding it impossible to have any fun at all. We have somebody new with us this week, so would you like to introduce yourself?
OOscar
Hi, I'm Oscar. Uh I think, like a lot of you guys, for me it started with the little things - signing an online petition, going to a march. Well, before I knew it, I was writing to the Guardian about LGBT representation in the Harry Potter books.
LLily
Which is shocking, by the way!
CCounselor
All right, Lily, we've all read your blog. Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the right place. All the young people in this room are ruining their lives by being overly virtuous.
JJamie
That's actually a micro-aggression, to say "young people", because it carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.
LLily
Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.
CCounselor
This is what I'm talking about, you see? It's a slippery slope. One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle - fine, and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.
OOscar
Oh, my God, is water racist?
CCounselor
No, no. It's just an example. Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you?
JJamie
"Guys" isn't an especially inclusive term.
CCounselor
Not now, Jamie.
LLily
By homework do you mean having to watch that old people sitcom?
CCounselor
It's called Friends, Lily, and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.
LLily
Well, I tried, but I found it deeply problematic.
LLily
Well, there's the homophobia, the transphobia, the fattism, the slut-shaming, and could Chandler BE any more annoying?
CCounselor
You can't go through your 20s worrying about every aspect of everything. You have to pick your battles, and just remember that it doesn't really matter because by the time you hit your 30s, most of you are going to be massively right-wing anyway. Have any of you started to think that maybe poor people don't deserve benefits?
CCounselor
Well, watch out for that one, because that's how it starts. Look, I understand this has all been a bit much for some of you, so let's take five and have a Hobnob.
JJamie
I find the word Hobnob very phallocentric.
CCounselor
Fuck off, Jamie.
Birgit, have you seen this? All these poor actresses earning less than their male co-stars. I mean, come on, people! It's 2018.
It's disgusting, is vat it is.
Ja. These poor woman living in the shadow of this male-led system in which they are horribly outnumbered and over Birgit, vat if all the male world leaders are earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do? Vat if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs?
Don't be so ridiculous. You are not Michelle Williams.
Although you do look like sisters. But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.
Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one. He probably makes less than you do!
MGMajor General Edwards
That's a Cub Scout salute.
GWGavin Williamson
Right. What is the proper salute?
MGMajor General Edwards
It's Army, (she gives the middle finger) Navy, (she gives 'a Harvey Smith') Air Force. (she gives a wanking hand gesture)
GWGavin Williamson
Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force! I'm glad I asked.
Oh, just a little something to help you. It's a CD to teach you how to talk to humans. You just listen to the phrases, and then repeat what they say.
No - repeat what it says.
CCD
The weather has been uncomfortably warm.
That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.
Yeah, we'll try again later, shall we?
What are you up to, old thing?
I'm looking for cameras. Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us?
Right now? I don't think so. Well, the Russians probably are. And the CIA, I imagine. And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no. What's brought all this on?
Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.
No, but I decided to, and that's a start. So I thought, "I'll watch a film. "Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills. And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.
Especially outside marriage.
So I watched a film called The Truman Show.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Hear me out, Philip. Because it all adds up. Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre. It's all too bad to be true. I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable. I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless. Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein. But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg. And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada. Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian. None of it adds up.
Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.
That's because they have to keep me on the show. It's all designed to torment me. I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show. And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.
That came for you. More shoes?
Yes. Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress. That and closing libraries. If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip. Something that could really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.
It is an awfully big box.
Yes, they use so much packaging. Pull here. And
DTDonald Trump
Witch hunt!
Oh, Mr President. What a pleasant... shock.
DTDonald Trump
I thought, hey, why don't I do a practice run to the united England? I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me. After this, you can post me to the North Korea summit. I'm not going to the summit! I am going to the summit. I am going and I'm not going to the summit.
So you came all the way in this box? Was it a good journey?
DTDonald Trump
It was tremendous. I watched Black Panther on my phone. You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight on that waterfall, for the Kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily. A very popular king. The best king. Oh, what's that? Is that the Brexit button? Can I push it?
No, don't. That calls the SAS, so best not to.
You know what? Since he's here
Oh, that's a good idea, Philip. Donald, we would love for you to sign this, it's just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe. Sorry, it's a HUGE trade deal.
The biggest one of all time.
DTDonald Trump
Oh, OK. Well, I'll sign it. But first, let's talk about me. Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you. You're not famous. (indicating Philip) And you're not hot. (indicating Theresa)
We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities about that, but they say they're washing their hair.
DTDonald Trump
All of them?
No, some of them said they were dead.
Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you, and as soon as you sign this, we can call more of them.
DTDonald Trump
Uh Wait, I want to threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick. (Tweets on phone) I'm bored. What are we doing now?
Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.
DTDonald Trump
No, I mean tonight. What do you guys do on the weekend?
I like to stay in and then I go to church.
Sometimes you mix things up a bit.
Yes, I go to church and then I stay in.
DTDonald Trump
I don't believe in God. I am very religious.
OK, it is time for the video chatten.
Ah, yeah, you know who I should call? Emmanuel Macron. Very important German-Franco issues to cover. It's very pressing.
But, Mein Chancellor, you have Skyped him five times this morning.
Well, we have much to discuss, and his eye for the mature sex machine is of no relevance. None.
You know who you must sprechen ze with, and you can't put it off one minuten longer.
No! I don't want to talk to Herr Trump! He hates me and I hate him more, and not like you see in the romen-kommen just before they start kissing.
