Philip May and Theresa May in “Unfinished Business”

What are you up to, old thing?

I'm looking for cameras. Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us?

Right now? I don't think so. Well, the Russians probably are. And the CIA, I imagine. And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no. What's brought all this on?

Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.

Oh, good, did you?

No, but I decided to, and that's a start. So I thought, "I'll watch a film. "Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills. And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.

Especially outside marriage.

So I watched a film called The Truman Show.

Oh, I see where this is going.

Hear me out, Philip. Because it all adds up. Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre. It's all too bad to be true. I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable. I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless. Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein. But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg. And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada. Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian. None of it adds up.

Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.

That's because they have to keep me on the show. It's all designed to torment me. I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show. And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.