Tracey Ullman's Show quotes

Ah! Ja, ja, ja!

Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter!

Birgit

This is more German than Germany.

Ja. Oh, Burgit, what are they going to do without us?

Birgit

Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor. These people, they look so sad.

Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?

Birgit

Like those Syrian friends of ours?

Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.

Birgit

Nein. You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel. These people are desperate.

Ja, that's true, that's true. Theresa, come out and fight with me. Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some?

Birgit

Selfie!

It's naughty.

Birgit

Ooh! Ja!

Ja!

Okay, well, can you describe the man who mugged you?

Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair. He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch.

And were you wearing what you're wearing now?

Sorry?

Is this what you were wearing when it happened?

Erm, yes. But...

You look quite provocatively wealthy.

Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any...

Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it? Like you're advertising it.

Look...

You seem distressed. I'm going bring one of our counsellors in. This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier.

Oh, dear. Had you been drinking?

Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals. Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone, and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged."

He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions. I mean...

And you just gave them to him?

Did you even scream?

See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your possessions unless you make your intentions clear?

No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared.

And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to have to accept some of the responsibility for this.

I thought I'd be able to stop doing this now I'm dead. And you know what? I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing is still making more than me.

Birgit

Try harder! You're a chancellor, not a GIF!

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I just thought I could smell something, so I thought it was best to just call the council.

Yeah. No, you were right to call.

It's definitely an infestation.

Oh, no. What is it, rats, termites? Worse.

Hipsters. Looks like they've found their way into next door.

Is that what I could smell?

Yeah, beard oil. I'm surprised you didn't hear them sanding the floorboards and discussing Wes Anderson films.

See, I thought I heard something, but I didn't see anything.

No, well, you wouldn't, they're mostly out during the day, hanging around coffee shops that used to be ironmongers or playing ping-pong ironically.

How do they get in?

They just follow the cycle routes until they hit somewhere unfashionable.

Can you get rid of them?

Well, it's tricky, we used to smoke 'em out, but now they think we're vaping and you just attract more of them.

Can't you put some poison down or something?

Not strictly legal. Sadly. What we can do is put a bit of bait down, some old vinyl or an artisan Scotch egg. That draws them out. And then we trap them and release them in Shoreditch or somewhere. Because if you leave them, they'll just start breeding and then house prices are affected.

Will the value go down?

No, up, weirdly. No-one knows why, cos hipsters are bloody awful, but mark my words, left unchecked, they'll price you out of this place in no time.

Oh, they wouldn't be interested in this old house. It's got the original fireplace, all the flock wallpaper, and the bathroom's from the 1930s.

Oh, God, you're going to be overrun.