Owen Harper quotes from Torchwood

So she offers to help you and you push her away. Charming.

Owen

Yeah, hole in the chest. Sorry if I don't follow social niceties any more.

You mean you did before?

Owen

God, you're a pain in the arse, aren't you?

Martha

There is no sign of any muscle decay. You're in great shape, as ever.

Owen

No use coming onto me, Jones. I'm a changed man.

Martha

And no stiffening anywhere?

Owen

Well...

Martha

Just answer the question

Owen

[to Jack about him trying to drown himself] You were watching?

Jack

Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures!

Ianto

I always loved Tintin.

Owen

Yeah, well you would, wouldn't you? And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog.

Gwen

Meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

Ianto

You okay?

Owen

[snidely] What do you think? I bet you're loving this, aren't you? It's like you've finally won.

Ianto

I didn't realize we were in a competition.

Owen

Oh, come on! Even Tosh had more of a life than you used to. And now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack, and I'm stuck here making the coffee!

Ianto

[defensively] It's not like that. Me and Jack.

Owen

Yeah, yeah... You and Jack. Gwen's getting married, Martha's got her bloke - God, even Tosh had Tommy! This is really shit!

Ianto

We've all gone through shit. I've seen you dissect alien corpses, I've seen you save so many lives. Are you really going to let this beat you?

Owen

We've been monitoring Parker for ages, nothing to be scared of, is there?

Ianto

[uncomfortable pause] Unlike, say... Tintin?

Owen

Okay, I never liked Tintin. [everyone smirks] What? He's weird! He's got a funny face. And his hair is just... it's horrible.

Ianto

I always loved Tintin.

Owen

Yeah, well you would. And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog. [gives a grin. Ianto looks at him in disgust]

Gwen

Okay, meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

Owen

It's a kind of alien egg. But don't worry, I'm going to look after you, I promise. We've got procedures for this situation.

Gwen

You mean, this has happened before?

Jack

You've heard of immaculate conception, haven't you? Well...

Jack

[looking through a dress catalogue] Nope, like that one. Good choice.

Ianto

I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.

Jack

Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time.

Ianto

Well, if later on-

Owen

[walking through the threshold] Jack!

Ianto

Yep, brilliant, like that one.

Jack

You sure you're ready for this, Owen? You know what a Nostrovite can do; you think you've got it covered a hundred feet away, and it's already chewing on you liver.

Owen

I don't need my liver.

I don't believe this Jack. What were you doing there?

Owen

He's part of this freak show.

Jack

Some things never change.

Owen

You being rude about me?

Gwen

So, is that it, then? We just sweep it under the carpet?

Owen

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Gwen

Oh, bollocks to serenity!

Owen

For a lovely girl, you've got a very dirty mouth.

It's like being lost in a place you know really well, you can't get your bearings. Sometimes it comes back to you. and sometimes, I'm sorry, Owen.

Owen

What've you got to be sorry for?

I don't want to put you through this. Last night, I dreamt that you left me.

Owen

Come on. Nobody's leaving anyone.

Owen

If you're not a figment of my imagination, then I don't know what's happening anymore. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like.

Jack

You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional.

Owen

[hysterical] Tosh! Toshiko, I can't get out! Not like this! I'm not dying here! Get me out of here Tosh, get me out of here, I died once and I'm not doing it again! Where's Jack? Where's Gwen, Ianto, John?!? You wanna watch the dead man die again?!

Owen, just stay calm.

Owen

Why should I do that? Where's the fun in that? I'm gonna rage my way to oblivion!

[upset, quietly] Please stop.

Owen

Why? Give me good bloody reason why I should, one good reason why I shouldn't keep screaming!

[crying] Because you're breaking my heart!

Owen

[calms down] Sorry.

[still crying, harder] It's my fault.

Owen

No, no no it isn't, no it isn't, don't you dare go there Tosh, I'm really sorry. [pause] What's gonna happen to me Tosh?

[whisper] I can't.

Owen

Please, okay, I need to know.

[not crying but barely able to get the words out] The containment chamber will be flooded with irradiated coolant.

Owen

Ah, my body will slowly decompose, while I watch.

[crying] I should have been able to stop it!

Owen

Sshh, come on Tosh, there's no way you could have anticipated that power spike, come on. Besides you've saved my back so many times in the past, right from the moment I joined.

Your second week, I had to cover for you, pretend I was a medic because you were hung over and unreachable.

Owen

[weak laugh] What was it, space pig?

Space pig.

Owen

We never did get that date did we, you and me? We sort of, uh, missed each other, was my fault, didn't notice until it was too late, I'm sorry.

[weakly, crying] Me too.

Owen

[alarms sound] It's starting.

[whisper] Owen.

Owen

It's all right; really Tosh, it's all right. [last words] Oh god.