You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.
S5 E2October 31st, 2004
Atom heart mother!
It's a saucerful of secrets!
Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!
Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home.
[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]
[As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?
These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.
All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.
Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.
Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!
Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
[very calm thus far] Oh, right.
[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
She said that? She sounds all right!
Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
It's a modern world, that's all right.
But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Not really, no...
The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Broadmoor?
He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
But he could be watching now! Shut up!
[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
I don't like that.
S5 E3November 7th, 2004
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!
(Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"
Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)
S5 E4November 14th, 2004
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.
[During the news]
[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
I approve of those.
Why?
Because I'm a motorcyclist.
What's that got to do with it?
There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Why is there no numberplate?
I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Oh! Ooh no!
It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.