[during the news]
Oh! Big news!
Is it the Dacia Sandero?
[confused] ...No, erm...
S12 E4November 23rd, 2008
[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]
Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
[interrupts] A what?
There's a German panel of seat experts.
And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.
[during the news]
Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
[to a man in the audience] What?...[man responds] Ice.
He got us out of it.
Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.
[introducing the one-tank Basel to Blackpool race]
That's 750 miles of careful driving. That's not a race, that's my idea of hell!
It's my idea of heaven.
[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
EAEnfield [as Clarkson]
[mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
PWPaul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]
In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
FFarmer
Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"
[James' first time introducing The Stig]
Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Oh, give it a rest!
You really weren't fooling anyone.
[during the Basel to Blackpool race]
JJeremy (voiceover)
And then: disaster!
Here I come!
[Hammond's Volkswagen Polo BlueMotion slowly overtakes Jeremy's Jaguar, shortly before Jeremy calls Richard's phone]
It's funny you should call. I've just seen someone who looks just like you; in a Jaguar doing about fifty-six miles an hour!
I am not going to race you.
Really?
Nope. I am going to sit behind you and watch you fail!
S12 E5November 30th, 2008
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.
[About The Stig]
Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!
[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]
[in Morse code] Too many gears.
[in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.
[During the news]
[pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
No.
No?
No.
[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
[about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
But whenever I see them -- those women driving those cars -- I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer--a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius--not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.
[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
You all right?
'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."
[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]
All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?
[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond[
Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.