[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]
James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
What's happened there is...
[reading the issue of Autocar magazine in which the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust is reviewed]
Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."
[audience laughs]
Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.
[audience laughs]
Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?
[reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."
[audience laughs]
What do people who review cars actually know?
I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—
[scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..
Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!
And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
No, but if everybody does 70--
Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
So you're saying it's logic.
It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
What, is it black or white?
How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Get up five minutes earlier.
I haven't got five minutes!
It's not five minutes anyway.
It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
JJesus
No, I go the back way.
Because of that [the roadworks]?
So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
JJesus
Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Ten minutes a day? That's--
JJesus
I ride a donkey each way.
Each way, five days a week?
So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Now that is a small point, that--
Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!
[during the news]
Now, I don't know the papers this week, but a woman had a baby, while on her way to hospital in a Kia, OK? Now they've called the baby....Kia. [growing laughter from the audience]
Could've been worse, it could've been Proton! [laughter]
Because these people, called their baby Kia, Kia, the people who make the cars have actually given them a Kia car. We've got a picture of the handover [image is displayed on screen]. Now this brings onto a very important Top Gear Top Tip. If you're on your way to hospital, in labour and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out! [laughter from Richard and the audience]
Let the child be christened 'Skip', 'Bus Stop', 'Phone Box', anything, just get out.
I christen this child, 'Doorway of Curries'. Because at lease you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that!
