Top Gear quotes

Richard

If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.

Jeremy

No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?

Richard

Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not--

Jeremy

You see?

Richard

I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.

Jeremy

There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.

James

Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.

Jeremy

If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.

James

[considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?

Jeremy

What do you think of that?

James

It's rubbish.

Jeremy

Why is it rubbish?

James

It's not funny, and it's not true. We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like. How can you hint at 55 miles to the gallon with an explosion?

Jeremy

Well what have you got?

Jeremy

Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.

Jeremy

Tonight, James gets lost in a Lamborghini . Richard drives over a bridge in a Ferrari. And I wear a small hat in an Aston Martin.

Richard

What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage

Jeremy

Exactly, like the Aston

Richard

Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000

Jeremy

Yes

Richard

And it's the slowest to 60mph.

Jeremy

Yes

Richard

And it's got the smallest top speed

Jeremy

Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE, [emphasising the difference in height between himself and Hammond] is better.

Jeremy

We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.

Jeremy

Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

Jeremy

[voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...

Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.

Richard

Yes, preparing my phone.

You may have...

Richard

Yes, yes, yes.

..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...

Richard

PLEASE STOP!

Jeremy

Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.

Jeremy

[voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...

Jeremy

Oh, my God! Look here!

Richard

What's that?! Wha...?

James

That's the Dacia Sandero!

Jeremy

I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.

James

The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!

Jeremy

Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

Jeremy

They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

Richard

[sarcastically] Just 24?

Jeremy

24 a day, no more than that.

James

And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

Richard

It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*

Jeremy

Is it German?

Richard

It's a German name, it's really complicated..

Jeremy

Oh God..

Richard

So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.

Jeremy

Do you know what that means? You speak German.

James

I do.

Jeremy

What's the only German you can say?

James

Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.

Jeremy

What's that mean?

James

"Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."

Richard

Ok...

James

I use it all the time.

Jeremy

Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.

James

You mean the Stig.

Jeremy

That's what I said. I said it!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Meanwhile, Hammond's Ferrari had decided all on its own to make a telephone call.

Selected. Calling: Vernon Kay now.

Richard

What? Vernon-

Is this correct?

Richard

Why are you calling Vernon Kay?

Richard

Why are you doing that?

Hello?

Richard

Vernon?

Who are you?

Richard

[awkwardly] Hello mate, it's Richard Hammond.

Richard

Do we know that this is the right way?

Jeremy

Ah, sorry, Hammond I'm just following May.

Richard

You do know what you've just said, don't you?

Jeremy

We wanted to hit James over the head with a hammer, but the kids beat us to it.

James

[being hit by a child with a rubber hammer] Ow, ow, ow...