[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
[...and another...]
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
[laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.
How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"
[Jeremy reads out Usain Bolt's quote on the day of the 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11:00, sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..." [Laughter] Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets." [Laughter]
And now, the news! And we begin the news with the new Lamborghini — here it is — and that has been named after their recently retired chief test driver, Valentino Balboni.
Bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.
Actually, their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.
He is, he really is! That's his real name!
No, he's not really called Max Ven...
Nobody outside of a comic strip is called "Max Venturi, Lamborghini Tester"!
You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "Look, I'm awfully sorry, I'm drunk and mad - but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."
[on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.
Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!
[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”
Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?
Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a “Jaaaaag.”
(Everyone laughs)
That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”
(Crowd laughs)
Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?
Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”
... bit of an issue with the wallet.
“Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”
[During the discussion on the Honda FR-V]
That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
There's nothing more pitiable.
It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
[stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
[realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.
Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]
[During the Val Thorens race, Jeremy's windscreen has been coated with snow...]
[panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!
