[during the news]
As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
Yeah, I got her a power drill.
James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
[more laughter]
No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"
[During the car sauna clip]
Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
[Jeremy looks horrified and James looked disgusted]
[After showing the car sauna clip]
Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
[continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!
[During Star In A Reasonably Priced Car]
MMMichael McIntyre
The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"
[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
[indignantly] That's his normal face!
That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.
[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the smoothness and quietness of their cars. Things are uncannily silent, until.......]
[over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!
[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the speed of their cars with a drag race. Jeremy's Škoda Roomster pulls alongside James' Toyota iQ.]
[James' Toyota accelerates ahead of Jeremy.]
[with the same tone as before] Lost James!
[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.
