[Screaming hysterically] I AM NOT! GETTING! AGGRESSIVE!
[Calmly, staring at Rick] You are, Rick. I can sense it.
S2 E2Cash
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
[Rick is warming himself by the broken fridge while Vyvyan is lying on a bed.]
I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet?
Shut Up or Piss Off!
Oh, that's charming, isn't it?
No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy in later life for getting into fights and things. Oh! Oh, it's kicking.
[His stomach moves rapidly up and down. Rick looks fascinated.]
Er, Vyvyan. Would it be alright... I mean... can I have a bit... a bit of a listen?
Yeah, help yourself. You can hear it kicking.
[Placing his ear on Vyvyan's bare stomach] I can't hear anything... all I can hear is... OW! [Vyvyan's stomach twitches violently, knocking Rick upwards.]
[Patting his stomach] That's my boy!
S2 E3Nasty
[Repeated line of dialogue]
VCVarious characters
Oh, have we got a video?
[Increasingly exasperated] Yes! We've got a video!
WWoman
Do you dig graves?
Yeah, yeah, they're alright, yeah.
Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite Junta.
VVicar
What-ho, I'm the vicar.
Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.
VVicar
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
[rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.
VVicar
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
VVicar
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
VVicar
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [punches Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We better kill him first!
Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!
When my hamster finds out you nicked his carrot he's gonna kill you, Neil.
Oh was it S.P.G.'s? I didn't know he ate carrots.
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil, he sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls.
Oh, no! The front door's exploded!
Vyvyan!
Vyvyan!
"Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!
Well, who do you suggest we blame?
Thatcher!
No. Blame whoever rung the front doorbell! Because they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up!
It's a video nasty!
It's a carpet, farty!
BBoys
ARRRGGHH!!
It's a vampire!
In a parcel!
In the kitchen!
[To Audience] Hate mail! [To guys] What are we gonna do?
Only Pop Music can save us now!
[The Damned appear and start performing]
VVampire
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!
A driving instructer from Johannesburg? Prove it!
VVampire
How?
Ok, what should you never do in a box junction?
VVampire
In a box junction you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!
Ah, true. Ok, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
VVampire
Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors. If no-one is behind you you should RIP OUT A VIRGIN'S THROAT AND-
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!
VVampire
Oh, Outspan!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
I hate him.
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Well, he's got no talent.
Alexei who?
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
Bags not Vyv!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.