VVampire
[Having being lit up by sunlight] Oh, no! I've forgotten about the time difference between here and Johannasburg! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!
S2 E3Nasty
HBHarry the Bastard
You owe me five hundred quid.
VRVyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike
Well, what a complete bastard!
S2 E4Time
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
It was incredible. We did everything.
[Recording with a tape recorder] Like what?
Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees...
[Vyvyan promptly throws up.]
HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
I'M NOT! I'm not a...
Virgin, virgin, virgin!
Vyvyan! Where'd you get that Howitzer?!
Found it.
Well you can put it back this instant, young man!
I will, I will. Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces!
Sayle [as John Cleese doing a Silly Walk]: 'Scuse me, is this a cheese shop?
MAMayall [as Michael Palin]
No, sir.
SSayle
[to camera] Well, that's that sketch knackered then, innit?
What's a good thing for a hangover?
Drinking heavily the night before.
Alright, if I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?
(Pause)
From looking in the mirror.
Damn!
Who are you?
KKnight
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.
'Square' Table?
KKnight
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.
You can't get much squarer than that.
No shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.
Neil, have you upset the neigbours?
No, Mike, I've blown them up.
Phew! And who said Sunday was day of rest?
God did.
That's right! I knew it was someone Tory.
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!
Too bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!
Where were we?... Ah, yes. Virgin.
Yeah. Argh!
(chases Rick up the stairs) Virgin! Virgin!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.