Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Hello, Vyvyan!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!
Alright then... piss off, Mum!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's better.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Well, what're Mums for?
VSVyvyan's Mum
Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan! (twists the crotch of his jeans.)
(gasps in pain) I'm sorry, Mum.
VSVyvyan's Mum
No, I heard you was ill so I bought you a present.
The last present you gave me was a box of matches.
VSVyvyan's Mum
That was a joke.
I was only eight weeks old... well, what've you bought me this time?
VSVyvyan's Mum
A bottle of vodka.
(smiles) Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum! (tips the bottle and nothing comes out.) This is empty.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Ha! Ha! Up yours, ugly!
NSNeil's Father
Now why couldn't you be in one of those nice situation comedies that your mother likes. Like, uh, what's the thing called...?
NSNeil's Father
Yes! That's the one.
[Scene changes to School Corridor. Two school boys run in.]
BEBen Elton
So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!
SSpaz
Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.
BEBen Elton
Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.
BEBen Elton
Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!
[They run into a teacher.]
SSpaz
Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...
LMr. Liberal
Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?
BEBen Elton
Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-
NSNeil's Mother
You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!
NSNeil's Father
I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.
NSNeil's Mother
Oh, yes. That's the one.
[The introduction to The Good Life starts playing]
[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!
That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
NSNeil's Father
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
[Rick is lying in bed, looking nervous after he believed he killed Neil. His conscience starts speaking to him.]
CConscience
Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.
CConscience
Don't tell me to be shut, you spotty little bastard! I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?
No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!
CConscience
They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!
Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!
CConscience
Not bloody yours, matey!
Get out of my head, pooh-hole!
CConscience
Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!
[From the other room.]
Rick, will you tell your conscience to shut it’s mouth?! I'm trying to get some sleep!
