The Young Ones · Season 2, Episode 6
Do you think ants go to discos?
Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos.
Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?
There's a very good reason for that.
What?
You're talking crap.
[on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."!
Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to have to seriously reconsider your grant.
Well, you can tell my tutor that I've still got the photos of him and the Dean.
[Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?
Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.
Fair enough.
Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.
Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.
Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.
Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!
(holding a cake) Surprise!
(crawling with his back aflame) More of a shock really, Neil! It's not every day someone deliberately sets fire to you during a cricket match!
(extinguishes the fire on Rick's back) Shut up, Rick, no one's on fire. Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?
Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.
Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
Rick, Zip it up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on the front of your Y-fronts that says "Girl Bait".
Oh! So you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?
(looks genuinely panicked) Yes! As a matter of fact, I do, Rick! I really, really fancy you, and I wanna give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!
Rick [creeped out]: Urgh! You hear that, Mike? Vyvyan's gone all funny! He says he wants to kiss my bottom!
Oh! Did I say "kiss you on the bottom?" Oh, beg my pardon, I meant to say "stick a pickaxe through your spinal column"!
I can't believe it. My parents... are dead.
You think that's bad...
Well yes I do actually! What's it to you piss-face?!
Oh no! I never knew I wore a wig. Eurgh!
Hello, I'm God. Well, you didn't expect me to be a woman, now, did you?
[As the boys are about to rob a bank with pistols]
Now whatever you do, don't go losing your heads and using them!
Why not, Mike?!
Yeah, why not? Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risks when they took the job. Now let's just get in there and let 'em have it!
Rick, we can't do that, because if we do, there's a very good chance they'll discover that these are water pistols.
[Having smashed the window] Oh, look! Some sod broke your window. That's £18 you owe me.
[After a bank job. Everyone jumps into Vyvyan's car. But he drives it directly into a lamp-post.]
[hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]
C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!
Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]
[to Rick] Yellow chicken!
[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.
I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!
[S.P.G. is crushed on the grill of the car. Bagpipe music plays as he floats above the car wearing angel wings and a halo.]
See you later, you little whimp.
[After the bus they were riding in has crashed to the bottom of a ravine]
Phew! That was close!
[The bus explodes]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
