Mike quotes from The Young Ones

Vyvyan

[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!

Mike

That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.

Rick

Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!

Vyvyan

Rick, I just did!

Rick

Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!

Neil

And me, I love her too!

Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.

Vyvyan

Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!

Mike

Ah, well. Boing!

(Jumping) Boing!

Vyvyan

Do you think ants go to discos?

Mike

Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos.

Vyvyan

Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?

Mike

There's a very good reason for that.

Vyvyan

What?

Mike

You're talking crap.

Rick

Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to have to seriously reconsider your grant.

Mike

Well, you can tell my tutor that I've still got the photos of him and the Dean.

Mike

[Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?

Vyvyan

Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.

Mike

Fair enough.

Neil

(holding a cake) Surprise!

Rick

(crawling with his back aflame) More of a shock really, Neil! It's not every day someone deliberately sets fire to you during a cricket match!

Mike

(extinguishes the fire on Rick's back) Shut up, Rick, no one's on fire. Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?

Neil

Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.

Mike

Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?

Mike

Now whatever you do, don't go losing your heads and using them!

Vyvyan

Why not, Mike?!

Rick

Yeah, why not? Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risks when they took the job. Now let's just get in there and let 'em have it!

Mike

Rick, we can't do that, because if we do, there's a very good chance they'll discover that these are water pistols.

Vyvyan

[hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]

Mike

C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.

Vyvyan

My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!

Rick

Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]

Neil

[to Rick] Yellow chicken!

Mike

[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.

Vyvyan

I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!

See you later, you little whimp.

Vyvyan

It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children!

Neil

All for Cliff!

Vyvyan

Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off.

Mike

You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan.

Vyvyan

Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael.

Mike

We don't want you in the song anymore.

Rick

What? What?!

Mike

I simply said we don't want you in the song...

Rick

Yes, yes, yes, but why?

Vyvyan

(From backstage) Because you're total and utter crap!

(singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #

(singing) # fies my soul! #

Vyvyan

"Fies my soul"?

Rick

Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan

Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.

Neil

Ow!

Mike

Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.

Settle down, chaps.

Neil

Oh, no. Guys, guys. I thought pop music was supposed to be about like... loving each other.

Mike

No, Neil, no, that's sex. Pop music's about making money.

Mike

Are we gonna sing this song or not?

Vyvyan

Yes, we are! But first... let's have a fight!

(singing) # All the little flowers are singing. All the little birdies are too, tweet tweet! Everything in the garden is happy and we hope you are too. If you're happy we're happy, ha ha! If you're sad we're sad, boo hoo! But now it's time to end this song coz it's so (bleep) bad! #

Rick

Goodnight, children.

Mike

Goodnight.

Neil

Hello... er... goodnight.

Vyvyan

Pass the detonator.