Fox Mulder quotes from The X-Files

Scully

How well do you know this man?

Mulder

Only by reputation - He, uh, left VICAP before I got there. But he's been called the greatest criminal profiler Quantico ever produced.

Scully

So what's he doing here?

Mulder

Well, apparently he checked himself in for a 30-day rehabilitation - I take it the last few years haven't been too kind to him. But if there's anybody that can tell us about the Millennium Group, it's him. He used to consult for them. Later, he fought to bring them down at the expense of his own career and reputation.

Scully

Single-minded.

Mulder

Yeah.

Scully

Sounds like someone I know.

Mulder

He's not our murderer, and those four dead bodies aren't dead and the millennium is... (looks at his watch) 14 hours away.

Scully

Mulder, those people, even when they were alive mangled biblical prophecy to the extent that it's unrecognizable. The year 2000 is just their artificial deadline - and besides, 2001 is actually the start of the new millennium.

Mulder

(slight smile) Nobody likes a math geek, Scully.

Mulder

(smiling) The world didn't end.

Scully

(calmly pleased) No, it didn't.

Mulder

Happy New Year, Scully.

Scully

Happy New Year, Mulder.

Mulder

Come on, you were cruising, right? I mean, a small town like this you're not exactly living La Vida Loca. I know-- I grew up in Dullsville, too, you know. Nothing to do but drive and park.

How long ago was that? (Mulder raises his eyebrows) Look. Don't you think I know what you're doing? You're like the tenth cop who's come in here trying to relate to me till I confess.

Scully

If you didn't do it, it's all the more reason to clear it up.

Everything I know is in my statement.

Mulder

Okay, but bear with us 'cause we're old and stupid. (Scully hides a smile by looking down)

Mulder

I don't know-- some kind of territorial or spiritual entity, maybe. (Scully sighs) Poltergeists have long been associated with violent acts like this and they tend to manifest around young people. They seem to be drawn to the turmoil of adolescence.

Scully

(innocently, almost coy) Mulder. Rather than spirits... can we at least start with Tony's friends? (looks like she is playing with his tie) Please? Just... for me?

(to Scully) You must have been a Betty, back in the day. (walks away)

Scully

A "Betty"?

Mulder

(smiling) Back in the day.

Mulder

This man fell for 30 floors, plus the distance down this shaft, because these doors just happened to be open-- straight through, nothing but net.

Scully

Ouch.

Mulder

I'm guessing that's what he said. After, he got up, climbed out of here and scampered off into the night.

Scully

You know in 1998, there was a British soldier who plummeted 4,500 feet when his parachute failed and he walked away with a broken rib?

Mulder

What's your point?

Scully

My point is that if there's a wind gust, or a sudden updraft and, plus, if he landed in exactly the right way, I mean, I don't know. Maybe he just got lucky.

Mulder

What if he got really, really lucky? That's your big scientific explanation, Scully? I mean, how many thousands of variables would have to convene in just the right mixture for that theory to hold water?

Scully

I don't know.

Mulder

Well, thousands.

Scully

You okay, Mulder?

Mulder

(looking slightly embarrassed) Yeah, it's all right. My ass broke the fall.

Mulder

So, basically he died of a heart attack, somebody crept up behind him, sawed his head off and then glued it back on all in the space of 30 seconds. (begins laughing) Does that make sense to you?

Scully

No. Which makes it even stranger still because, as far as I can tell this body has been dead for over a month. I see signs of refrigeration.

Mulder

And yet he performed yesterday. What a trooper.

Come in. Good morning, Mr. And Mrs...?

Mulder

(quickly; taking out his badge) Agents... Mulder and Scully. FBI.

Mulder

How did this impersonator switch out the dead body?

With ease. You're going to kick yourselves when I show you how he did this, it's so simple. 'Cause magic is all about... (wiggles fingers mysteriously) misdirection.

Your impersonator simply made sure everyone was looking the other way when he pulled Maleeni's body from its secret hiding place underneath... the floor. (Dramatically lifts one of the floor panels up from the bottom of the van, revealing... nothing; none of the other panels show anything either; surprised) Man, this guy's good.

Mulder

Don't you find it odd that the amazing Maleeni's a lousy poker player? I mean, this is a guy who's adept at manipulating cards.

Scully

Maybe he wasn't so adept. LaBonge certainly doesn't have a high opinion of his skills.

Mulder

There's another possibility. Behold - an ordinary household quarter. (holds up a quarter) I'm going to take the quarter from my right hand and place it into my left hand. (flourishes) Where is it?

Scully

It's in your right hand.

Mulder

(shows empty right hand) Oh, no, no, no.

Scully

(taps his right hand; nothing still. She smiles, impressed) Ah... That's not bad.

Mulder

(reaches out to grab her nose) Blow your nose, Scully.

Scully

(warning him) Mulder...

Mulder

(holding her nose between his fingers) Blow your nose.

Scully

(deadpan) Ah-choo.

Mulder

(quarter falls into his hand) Ta-da.

Scully

(amused) Amazing!

Mulder

(proudly) The great Muldeeni!

Scully

You know, Mulder, there's still one thing that you haven't explained.

Mulder

What's that?

Scully

How the Amazing Maleeni was able to turn his head completely around.

Mulder

I don't know that.

Scully

I do. I'll show you. Observe. (gets down on hands and knees on the floor; Mulder grins. Puts her hands on the floor, turns one hand a full 360 degrees; Mulder is impressed)

Mulder

Gee! Very nice. How'd you do that?

Scully

Well... magic. (keeps walking down the hall; he follows)

Mulder

No. Seriously, Scully, how'd you do it? You know, it's not the same thing. It's different with the head. Come on. Look at this. (does the disappearing thumb trick; she ignores him)

Scully

Snake handling. I didn't learn that in catechism class.

Mulder

That's funny. I knew a couple of Catholic schoolgirls who were expert at it.