OOperator
Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
OOperator
How can I help you, sir?
Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
OOperator
Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
OOperator
I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
OOperator
And your address?
OOperator
Your street address, please?
[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
OOperator
Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
I do radio commercials for... products.
OOperator
And how can I help you?
[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
OOperator
It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
OOperator
Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
OOperator
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
OOperator
One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
OOperator
Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
OOperator
Do you have an accurate thermometer?
Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...
Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
OOperator
Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
Were we talking about something?
I don't know sir, when I came in here – back in the late 50s – there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.
You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
[to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.
They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine.
BBartlet
And what part are you leaving out now?
The part where I lied to you.
Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line.
BBartlet
You know what? It was.
BBartlet
Well, with the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.
I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?
Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.
But the profit goes to the women.
In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."
They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men.
So what do you want me to do about it?
How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the right people?
This is the real world, and we can't isolate our enemies.
I know about the real world, and I'm not suggesting we isolate them.
You're suggesting we eliminate them.
You're suggesting that...
I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here.
It's the twenty-first century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either.
The point is that apartheid was an Easthampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1s to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg!
[nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can.
[in tears] They're beating the women, Nancy!
