Toby Ziegler quotes from The West Wing

Toby

I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?

Mandy

I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.

Toby

Well that did the trick.

Toby

Put it down! Put it down!

Toby!

Toby

No champagne.

We're just getting--

Toby

Put it down. Everyone in this room, let me have your attention! Please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate, a majority being a total of half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?

Ginger

Fifty-one.

Toby

Fifty-one 'yea' votes is what we see on these screens before a drop of wine is swallowed! Because there's a little thing called what, Bonnie?

"Tempting fate"?

Toby

"Tempting fate" is what it's called. In the three months that this man has been on my radar screen, I have aged forty-eight years. This is my day of jubilee, I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie?

By tempting fate.

Toby

By tempting fate! These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we've been in office, what kind of luck have we had? Ginger?

Ginger

Bad luck.

Toby

[clears his throat and raises his eyebrows] What kind of luck?

Ginger

Very bad luck.

Toby

We've had very bad luck.

Leo

Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.

Josh

What are you saying?

Leo

Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?

Josh

I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Leo

Yeah?

CJ

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.

Leo

Toby?

Toby

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

Mandatory Minimums are racist.

Toby

I understand that.

Sam

They're a red herring.

Toby

I understand that, too.

Sam

It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.

Toby

Everything you've said I understand.

Sam

I'm saying...

Toby

We do things one thing at a time.

Sam

But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.

Toby

We're talking about treatment.

Sam

I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about Mandatory Minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.

Toby

When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!

Sam

Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?

Toby

Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.

Josh

Take it easy.

Sam

I won't take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!

Josh

I've already done that.

Sam

I'll do it again.

Josh

You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.

Josh

It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.

Toby

Let's go.

Josh

Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.

Toby

Mr. President.

Bartlet

We were almost done.

Toby

I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.

Bartlet

When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?

Toby

No, sir.

Bartlet

Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.

Toby

I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.

Bartlet

Okay.

Toby

Mandatory Minimums.

Bartlet

You're whupped, my friend.

Toby

Sir.

Bartlet

No, she's been talking to you for a year about Mandatory Minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.

Toby

You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”?

Bartlet

Just for the turn-on.

Toby

Since when are you an expert on language?

C.J.

In polling models?

Toby

Okay.

C.J.

1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?

Toby

Since long before that.

Bartlet

I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.

Toby

Why not?

Bartlet

Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.

Toby

Well, Sam's got you covered.

Bartlet

How?

Sam

You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.

Bartlet

To what?

Sam

Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet

And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?

Sam

You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet

Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Bartlet

Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?

Toby

I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.

You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it?

Toby

Professional political operative.

You've been one your whole life.

Toby

Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school.

[laughs] You any good?

Toby

[long pause] I'm very good at it.

What's your record?

Toby

My record?

How many elections have you won?

Toby

Altogether?

Toby

Including city council, two Congressional elections, a senate race, a Gubernatorial campaign, and a national campaign? [long pause] None.

None of them?

Toby

You gotta be impressed with my consistency.

Toby

Come join the campaign.

C.J.

How much does it pay?

Toby

How much were you making before?

C.J.

$550,000 a year.

Toby

This pays $600 a week.

C.J.

So this would be less.

Toby

C.J.'s starting to get some questions about why the President's exit wasn't covered in Rosslyn.

The Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure.

Toby

Yeah. Ron, a few weeks after the President was sworn in, you got a memo about his protection.

Butterfield

Yeah.

Toby

It said he wanted to enter and exit in the open air, and he didn't like the feeling of traveling around in an armored tank.

Butterfield

Yeah.

Toby

Specifically, it said he wouldn't use the tent or the canopy anymore.

Butterfield

Yeah.

Toby

I wrote that memo, and the President signed it at my urging.

Butterfield

I know.

Toby

Ron, I don't think it's right that the Secret Service get blamed for what happened last night, I want the Treasury Department to hand over my memo to the Press.

Butterfield

No, we can't do that.

Toby

There are going to be a lot of questions.

Butterfield

There are always a lot of questions.

Toby

Ron.

Butterfield

Don't worry about it, Toby.

Toby

It's not right. You're the guys - look at your hand.

Butterfield

My hand is fine.

Toby

Your hand is not fine.

Butterfield

Toby.

Toby

Let me go over there and tell them it was my fault.

Ron

It wasn't your fault.

Butterfield

Ron.

Ron

It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Gina's fault, it wasn't Charlie's fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop them? We got the President in the car. We got Zoey in the car. And at a hundred and fifty yards, five stories up, the shooters were down nine point two seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don't like something, we figure out something else. It was an act of madmen. Anyway, the Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure.

Toby

Okay.

Toby

Good job last night.

Butterfield

Thank you.

Josh

Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation of about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?

Toby

God bless America.

Bartlet

Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, cold milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life.

Toby

It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented them in Brooklyn.

Bartlet

In Brooklyn? Not New England?

Toby

There are many good things in this world not from New England, sir.

Bartlet

Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again.

Josh

Toby, come quick, Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.

Toby

Ginger, get the popcorn.