Dave quotes from The War at Home

Dave

Wow, I can't remember the last time you made these.

Vicky

I do. It was four years ago, the last time we had family movie night, which I'm excited to say, I am re-instating starting tonight.

Dave

Ugh! Why? Sweetie, why are you doing this to me? I already hate Monday through Friday. You got to ruin Sunday now?

Hillary

I have to prepare for my interview.

Dave

All right. You gonna go think up some good things to say to them?

Hillary

No, Dad, I'm gonna focus on what's important: picking out an outfit.

Dave

Hey, Vicky, what the hell's going on with Hillary? You know, she bought herself some expensive cell phone that I know she can't afford.

Vicky

Oh, no. You don't think she's shoplifting, do you?

Dave

No, no. I mean, she wears her clothes so tight, I mean, where would she hide anything? I don't know, but she's up to something, okay? Something's going on with her. Haven't you noticed that she's always on the phone, she's always text messaging, and she's being so secretive?

Vicky

Oh, my God! You don't think she's... a teenager?

Larry

There he is! The greatest dad in the world!

Dave

You're not getting any more money.

Larry

I hate you!

Dave

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on the roof.

Vicky

Hey, I don't want you going up there to smoke pot.

Dave

Oh, I'm not. I'm going to throw myself off it.

Vicky

So, Mom, when's the wedding?

It's two weeks from today.

And we want you all to be there.

Vicky

Well, of course we're all going to be there.

Dave

Yeah, I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't. (cut scene) But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something

Vicky

What's more important: my mother's happiness or a free trip to the Caribbean?

Dave

Vicky, I know what answer you're hoping to hear, but we both know which one is going to come out of my mouth.

Dave

Hey, remember how you said me sticking up for Kenny was a wonderful thing?

Vicky

(raising her wine glass) Yeah.

Dave

Well, Social Services is on their way here to take him away. By the way, it might not be a bad idea if you weren't drinking when they got here.

Dave

Can you believe these kids?

Vicky

What can I say? Your sperm and my eggs, it's a powerful combination, honey.

Dave

It certainly defeated every form of birth control we tried.

Dave

I don't know about you two, but I'm sick and tired of working for that douche bag. I mean, when's it going to be my turn to be the boss and have people call me the douche bag?

Apparently, a lot of people around here already think you're the boss.

Dave

Hey, look, I found my old notebook with all my old rhymes in it.

Larry

You held on to that, and yet you threw away any picture of me before the age of ten.

Dave

I was doing you a favor. You were not a photogenic child.

Dave

You have no idea what it's like to have an unsupportive father like that.

Larry

I'm sure it could cause some real damage.

Dave

You have no idea, freak show. No idea.

Vicky

We need to choose somebody who would have guardianship over the kids.

Dave

Look, I don't care that much about them now, all right? You think I'm going to care about them when I'm dead?

Dave

What the hell are you doing sitting by the trash cans?

Larry

Just hanging out.

Dave

Oh, I know I told you you were garbage before, but I didn't mean it literally.

Dave

Think, Fink. This is your opportunity to be rid of Hillary Gold once and for all. And if I were you, I'd be attaching a rocket to her ass and shooting her out into space. I mean, seriously, do you really want this girl in your school a minute longer than necessary.

You know, I never quite thought of it like that. Okay!